The semi-relevant things you need to know this week in your ongoing pursuit to maintain as much awesomeness as possible…

Charlton Heston Died. Acting legend Charlton Heston passed away on Saturday. Entertainment outlets across a variety of mediums are sure to spend the week regaling films like “Ben-Hur” and “Planet of the Apes” as Heston’s quintessential works. We suggest you tell people a movie like “Omega Man” or “Soylent Green” is your favorite Heston flick. This way they’ll think you’re more intelligent than they are. Don’t worry if you haven’t seen either of these movies, neither has anyone else.

The Masters is this week. We live in the Southeast and we love golf, so we find this to be an especially important piece of information. Play starts on Thursday and ESPN is even airing the Par 3 tournament starting at 3PM Wednesday. (Link to watch the Amen Corner action from your computer here. It’s like the NCAA gamecast except considerably more boring.)

Spend today preparing your stance on the NCAA winner. Regardless of who wins tonight, you want to make it clear to everyone you know that you liked that team all along. If Memphis wins you’ll need to spend the rest of the week talking about how they never truly got the respect they deserved for the season they had. If Kansas wins you need talk about how Bill Self truly is an underrated coach and recruiter.

Our boy Keanu returns to a screen near year on Friday. “Street Kings” looks pretty miserable, but should be filled with plenty of forced Keanu Reeves’ lines for you to mock. Our personal favorite thus far is: “I’m gonna ask him some questions… then we’re gonna kill him.” Awesome.

The Hornets are in first in the West. We know you don’t give a shit about the NBA prior to the playoffs, but with college hoops wrapping up it’s time for you to at least familiarize yourself with the standings. As a quick primer, the Celtics lead the beleaguered East by a fairly large margin and the West is a battle royal. Also, Chris Paul is a raging bad ass.

“The Office” and “30 Rock” return. At long last the two best comedies on network television return Thursday. Get Excited. (Side Note: First person to tell us “Two and a Half Men” is the best comedy on network television gets gator smacked. Proto, you know who we’re talking to.)

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