We’ve professed our man love for the Masters with regularity, and now with college basketball coming to an end we’d like to familiarize our audience with the greatest event in golf. Here are some nuggets to get the first time Masters viewers started:

• Zach Johnson is the defending champion. He looks like Joaquin Phoenix, likes to thank Jesus, and has zero shot at repeating.

• Tiger is gonna win.

• Tiger’s wife is really effing hot and fun to google (some non-filtered results NSFW).

• Golfers, in general, have hot wives.

• Beers and pimento cheese sandwiches are cheap at the Masters.

• Amen Corner has nothing to do with hoping to have avoided a STD.

• ESPN will be airing the opening rounds of the Masters for the first time this year, and in a remarkably reasonable move they’ve banned Chris Berman from the premises.

• Jim Nantz rocks a crippling hard-on throughout the entire telecast.

• Rory Sabbatini is the most unlikable of all Euro golfers in the field.

• Colin Montgomerie would have given Rory a run for his money, but the tournament committee is infatuated with Asians (very similar to Matt Dillon’s character in “You, Me, and Dupree”).

• You’re not going to be the first person to notice that Phil Mickelson has tits, so unless you’ve got a clever comment, keep it to yourself.

• Pretty much every member of Augusta National is older than your Grandpa and sounds just like Foghorn Leghorn.

• One of Team C&T’s own, Big Sexy, claims to be related to Hootie Johnson. We don’t see the resemblance.

• Steve Spurrier pretty much took the South Carolina job so he could regularly tee ‘em up at Augusta National.

• The gold jacket from “Happy Gilmore” is actually a ripoff of The Masters’ green jacket, not the other way around. It’s a common misconception.

• Outside of drunken streaking, there will be no John Daly sighting this week.

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