BQ receives a Browns team email in his hotmail inbox (thehotternflbrady@hotmail.com). It’s the Browns’ 2008 schedule. He coughs up 3 grams of concentrated whey protein from his Myoplex shake he’s so excited.

Here’s a sample of his internal monologue:

Week 1 - Dallas

OH HELLLLLLLLLZ YESSSSSSS!

I will DEFINITELY be starting by then. And even if Coach Crennel tries to cock block me, my psychic adviser said Derek will only play two series this whole season. Probably means career ending injury opening game versus the Cowboys. Sucks to be him.

Hot Dizzamn, I can’t wait to finally show Romo who the better stage singer, er, quarterback is…

Week 2 - Pittsburgh

Night Game! Tons of BQ talk! It’s gonna be like finally starring in my own primetime drama.

GAWD I hope I get the opportunity to drop the Roethlis-TURDBURGLER line in an interview…

Week 3 - @ Baltimore

Man, Kyle Boller better be starting for them then. He’s like the only guy in the league I can get away with calling gay…

Week 4 - @ Cincinnati

The battle for the greatest state in land. Tough game, but we win and prove once and for all Cleveland is less shitty than Cincinnati.

Week 5 - BYE

Banana Daiquiris on BQ!

Week 6 - NY Giants

Note to self: Remember to make “Giant Killers” reference in post-game press conference. That one is so baller…

Week 7 - @ Washington

Please let Tom Cruise be in the owner’s box. Please let Tom Cruise be in the owner’s box. Please let Tom Cruise be in the owner’s box…

Week 8 - @ Jacksonville

Is David Garrard a better dresser than me? No, of course not. Don’t be silly…

Week 9 - Baltimore

We have to play these a-holes again already? Ugh.

Week 10 - Denver

Mom always says I remind her of a young, more handsome, more buff John Elway…

Week 11 - @ Buffalo

Oh man. Oh man. Oh man. It’s arctic in Buffalo. And I HATE chicken wings. This may be the week my knee starts acting up again. Jacuzzi tub!

Week 12 - Houston

Too bad David Carr’s not with the Texans any more. That guy has great hair…

Week 13 - Indianapolis

The new Manning-Brady rivalry? I think so…

Week 14 - @ Tennessee

Please let Kenny Chesney be in the owner’s box. Please let Kenny Chesney be in the owner’s box. Please let Kenny Chesney be in the owner’s box…

Week 15 - @ Philadelphia

How our founding fathers rooted for the Eagles I will never understand…

Week 16 - Cincinnati

Thank Gawd Carson Palmer has such a crappy supporting cast. He smokes my ass at quarterbacking. Literally.

Ha, ha. You wish BQ…

Week 17 - @ Pittsburgh

This game will be extra super tough. We’re gonna be playing for 16-0 and a chance for me to do what the lame Brady couldn’t. The team will need to come up big in this one.

Note to self: Remember to remind Kellen that he’s a soldier in pregame.

Additional note to self: Remember to spray tan the Thursday before the game. Any earlier, it won’t last. Any later, I’ll look like an Oompa Loompa…

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