The NBA playoffs are upon us. That means roughly half our readers are going to start watching NBA games and the other half still won’t give a shit.

I’m an unapologetic fan of the NBA, so this is pretty much the one week a year that people are interested in my knowledge of the league. If you are someone who plans to follow the playoffs, here’s a crash course of what you need to know about the Eastern Conference, by seedings:

1) Boston Celtics. After Garnett, Pierce, and Allen, the Celtics have a bunch of good role players. Leon Powe, Sam Cassell, Eddie House, James Posey, and Kendrick Perkins all average right around 7 ppg. The only question mark for the Celtics is if they can get strong enough point guard play out of Rajon Rondo and Sam Cassell to make a championship run. I also question the level of irony of a bunch of black dudes playing for a team with a leprechaun for a mascot, but that’s not a question for the playoffs.

2) Detroit Pistons. I fucking hate the Pistons. Chauncey, Rip, Rasheed, and Ben ran Larry Brown out of town despite his success because they didn’t want to have to work as hard as he made them. Ever since that power play, those under-worked, overpaid, lazy bastards have disappointed in the playoffs. Nothing will change this year.

3) Orlando Magic. You can counter balance how much I hate the Pistons with how much I love Dwight Howard. As a matter of fact, the entire site LOVES Dwight Howard. The problem is that in the playoffs teams are going to slow the pace down on the Magic and double Howard every time he touches the ball. And I don’t think the team has enough shooters to make their opponents pay for doubling Superman. Maybe they’ll knock the cobwebs off J.J. Reddick, or hire Dick Vitale to show up and give him a reach around pep talk, but I doubt it.

4) Cleveland Cavs. Even my great aunt in the nursing home knows the Cavs will only go as far as Lebron can carry them. Last year he put on a Jordan-esque performance and took his team to the Finals. The only reason they made that dumbass trade to get Ben Wallace, Wally Szczerbiak, Joe Smith, and Delonte West is they wanted to convince Lebron they are doing everything they can to make the team better. What Danny Ferry didn’t tell Lebron is that even with a past-his-prime Ben Wallace and a white dude named Wally, the Cavs are still a below average team with one great player.

5) Washington Wizards. Agent Zero is back, bitches! Just in time for the playoffs. And on top of that he’s already proclaimed they want the Cavs in the first round, which pretty much means he just pissed lighter fluid on Lebron’s campfire. The Wizards are a better overall team than the Cavs simply because their core group of players — Jameson, Arenas, Butler, and Haywood — has been playing together for quite some time. I actually expect Washington to beat Cleveland, but — regardless of what happens in the first round — don’t expect for the Wizards to get anything but demoralized in the second round by the Celtics.

6) Toronto Raptors. I really thought these guys would be much better. Going into the season I even claimed they could finish as high as second in the East. I’m yet to put my finger on exactly why they’ve sucked this year, but make no bones about it: they have sucked horse dong.

7) Philadelphia 76ers. Speaking of animal genitalia, the 76ers don’t just blow donkey balls, they blow donkey balls just after the donkey finished a sweaty work out.

8 ) Atlanta Hawks. It’s an indictment of the entire Eastern Conference that the Hawks are in the playoffs. They are ‘Heidi-Rapping-Freestyle’ bad. They shouldn’t even show up for the first round. They should all chip in and rent a yacht instead.

Previous Editions of Turf Toe:

• Has the Sports World Underestimated Memphis?
• Booth Defends His Bracket
• Moderately Good Teams That Could Make Your Bracket
• Booth’s Thoughts on NFL Free Agency
• Hansbrough Eats Dong

“Wicked Case of Turf Toe” is Booth’s weekly column dedicated to passing judgment on the world of sports. Click here for the archives.

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