Just enough knowledge to keep you looking like a sports fan even when you don’t give a shit about the NBA...

• Tim Duncan is a three point threat. Fucking ridiculous. The only reason the guy breathes is the playoffs. And Renaissance fairs, of course.

• The Suns close like you after twenty beers on a Saturday night.

• Playing the role of Kobe Bryant in the first round, ladies and gentleman, Pau Gasol!

• To the shock of just about everyone, the Hawks put up a valiant effort against the Celtics. Just kidding. They got their asses pounded in.

• The Nuggets are making a strong case for the long debated “More Tats-Less Defense” NBA theory. Purists feel vindicated.

• The Sixers are 1-0 in the playoffs. Don’t worry, we don’t have a GD clue who plays for them either.

• Soulja Boy sided with DeShawn Stevenson and the Wizards after Lebron disrespected him. Lebron didn’t give a shit, still won.

• Hornets beat Mavs. Hetero man crushes on Chris Paul rising at a ludicrous clip.

And now on to handing out superlatives for the weekend that was…

Weekend’s Big Winner

Danica Patrick. More on this later. We’re still consumed with emotion…

Weekend’s Big Loser

Frank Thomas. Cut by the Blue Jays, can officially add, “Even comes off as an asshole to Canadians” to his list of attributes.

End of an Era

Isiah Thomas. Fired after a few misunderstood years as Knicks head coach. The tragic thing is he was just getting things turned around.

Reddickulous Story We Refuse to Believe

Dwyane Wade is Dating Star Jones. 100% completely fabricated by someone who finds the T-Mobile commercials entirely too clever. Our bet: Catherine Zeta-Jones.

White Guy Winning Something White Guys Aren’t Good At

Joe Calzaghe over Bernard Hopkins. The first Caucasian step champion is only years away.

How Douchebags Spend 50K

To play 18 holes with Playboy Bunnies. The fedoras cost extra. If these dudes were cool they’d realize it’s WAY easier just to drug chicks to get them to do stuff.

Box Office Award

“The Forbidden Kingdom”. Never doubt the appeal of Asian guys and ponytails in cinema.

Wedding Bells, Anyone?

Eli got hitched. Congrats, #10. You were never going to get laid for being New York’s Super Bowl winning quarterback anyway.

Where Things Got Weird

Chelsea Clinton’s Gay Pub Crawl. You’re just bullshit you didn’t get an invite.

Here’s to making it to next weekend.

“Case of the Mondays” is NextRound’s recap and awards show for the weekend that was. Click here for previous editions.

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