Many narrow minded members of society probably think Danica Patrick’s IndyCar win Sunday was just some chick winning some race in Japan that no one cares about. How they couldn’t be more wrong. Luckily, we’re once again here to enlighten the masses.

Here’s what Danica’s win really means:

Women Are Officially Equal. Sure, they can vote and hold the same jobs and serve in the military, but until Danica crossed that finish line yesterday, things were never quite level. Now chicks can piss standing up if they want to.

Danica Is Officially HOT. A week ago you kind of felt like you were looking at pictures of your little sister in a bikini when you saw Danica’s SI Swimsuit spread. Today, those same photos give you a crippling rager. Her Google search rank is about to skyrocket.

Dan Patrick Can Eat a Dong. Talk about the table’s turning. Danica is now far and away the more important D. Patrick. Her balls are bigger too.

All Women Can Drive. Try and pull out that “Chicks suck at driving” line again. We fucking dare you.

The Pregnant Man Can Have His Baby in Peace. Prior to Danica’s victory, it was just all too shocking. Controversy surrounding role reversals is now a thing of the past.

Women Can Be Found Guilty of Sexual Harassment. Sure, HR videos and lame movies have previously tried to convince us that men could be harassed by women, but who’s kidding who? No man ever got harassed. He always wanted it. History books will remember April 20th, 2008 as the day litigious men everywhere got a shot in the arm.

Danica’s Stomping Is Intimidating. You giggled the first time you saw the stomping clip. Today that same video has you scared shitless.

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