You’re at your desk, working your ass off — or you’re busy pretending to be working your ass off while reading something ludicrously entertaining on NextRound — when all of a sudden the sky blue rectangular Outlook preview box materializes in the bottom right corner of your screen. You see the sender’s name and your gut reaction is to toss your hard drive out the window. Luckily you manage some restraint, which is pretty incredible seeing that you fucking hate Long Winded Email Guy.

Long Winded Email Guy is an asshole. The problem is he doesn’t realize he’s an asshole. He thinks he’s conscientious. He thinks providing enough explanation via email text so that your Spanish-speaking janitor can fully grasp his objective is conscientious. He thinks electronic smiley faces are conscientious. He thinks his cursive email signature is conscientious. He thinks emphasizing his “thanks” with multiple explanation points is conscientious. And sometimes he even thinks stopping by your desk an hour after he sent his thesis of an email just to make sure you got it is conscientious.

You think he sucks.

One day after you received an email narrative from him outlining proper copy machine maintenance you spent a serious thirty seconds pondering ways you might murder him without getting caught. Then you remembered he has a kid.

Level of Mind-Numbing Annoyance: 7 out of 10.

Cool & Tough Retaliations:

• Hijack someone in accounting’s computer and send a succinct email to LWEG outlining what a crippling douchebag he is for using exclamation points.

• Photocopy your ass and leave the copy in his chair with a note asking whether he considers this proper maintenance.

• Sleep with his wife.

• Sign up for info on multiple condo time share opportunities using LWEG’s name and work number.

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