In anticipation of the NFL Draft tomorrow, Team Cool & Tough engaged in our first mock draft this week. Our primary goal was to see if we could possibly pull off something like this on a regular basis without every time turning into a Courtney Love-esqe incoherent mess.

Of course, Booth organized, so we did the whole thing with no draft order and no real guidelines, except that you can’t suck or draft logically. Some failed, some didn’t participate, and some got righteously confused.

Participants included: Maske, Booth, Proto, Big Sexy, Toast, Big Slim, and SMac. The remaining members of Team C&T were far too intimidated by the other participants’ staggering professional football knowledge to partake. It went something like this:

#1: Dolphins - pick by Maske

Since I’m the closest thing to a Dolphins fan on this bitch AND they already signed Jake Long, I’m going to get fucking loco and take Jake Long. Long as in Dong!

Pros:

1. Safer than a treasury bond.
2. Wins the battle of the Longs, beating out that other silver spooned Long.
3. He had zero to do with Special Teams in the App State game.

Cons:

1. This pick is about as sexy as Booth’s mom’s underpants.

Jake Long off the board, bitches!

Pick: Jake Long

#2: Rams - pick by Proto

Ryan Clady. The Rams need a standout OT to keep Bulger from breaking his ribs and to open holes for my boy Steven Jackson in the Lambda fantasy football league. Booyah!

Pick: Ryan Clady

#3: Falcons - pick by Big Sexy

Matt Ryan, Boston College.

Reason: The Falcons need EVERYTHING and this pick makes me laugh the most.

Just the thought of Matt Ryan and Toast trying to co-habitate in the same city makes me giddy. If they ever end up at the same bar, party, little league game, etc. I will personally give $1,000 to whoever starts feeding Toast bourbon.

Also, all Atlanta draft picks should be ranked on the BSMP Scale (Big Slim Mancrush Potential). Ryan ranks the highest (Boston, ambiguous sexuality, athlete, etc.) so that’s who the Falcons should take. Can’t you see Big Slim meeting Ryan out one night and then trying to convince everyone he’s cool? “Dude, he’s a really cool guy and he pulls mad chicks.” This would closely be followed by Toast stabbing Big Slim with a broken Jim Beam bottle. We would have our first Team Cool and Tough murder which would give us WAY more street cred. Thank me later mother fuckers.

Pick: Matt Ryan

#4: Raiders - pick by Toast

I would actually like to see Matty Ice drafted by the Falcons. It would doom his career to mirror Heath Shuler’s. On top of that watching him get crushed by Julius Peppers and Gaines Adams twice a year each would be an added bonus.

At #4 Oakland takes…Chris Long. Reasons: 1) Howie, and 2) I don’t think Al Davis is smart enough to take McFadden.

Pick: Chris Long

#5: Chiefs - pick by Booth

I bet you’re all thinking Glenn Dorsey is the obvious pick here…too bad the Chiefs select Joe Fucking Flacco! DI-AA man-child!

The Chiefs love to waste draft picks on no talent ass clowns so this fits the mold perfectly. Besides, they’re bound to reach for a QB with Brodie Croyle under center.

Pros:

1. And according to Mel Kiper he has an “NFL arm”.

Cons:

1. Flacco sucked balls so hard in college he couldn’t start for a Big East team that won 3 games a season.
2. No more gratious shots of Mrs. Croyle.

Pick: Joe Flacco

#6: Jets - pick by Maske

The JETS JETS JETS instinctively pass on McFadden and select…you guessed it: Ohio State D-End Vernon “Ghost Rider” Gholston!

Pros:

1. Watching the sea of greenclad Fighting Chrebet fans at Radio City Music Hall collectively shit their pants when the Jets pass on Run DMC. Seriously, who needs SEC speed when you’ve got Big 10 closing ability?
2. The amount of Jersey domestic violence that will stem solely from a single NFL draft pick.
3. Hearing second hand how Booth’s high school friends are devastated that thy won’t be able to nickname McFadden “The Dick Knife”.

Cons:

The only con is you’ve added one more “The Ohio State” douchebag to the league. There are zero other cons, unless you’re a Jets fan that is.

Pick: Vernon Gholston

#7: Patriots - pick by Big Slim

I actually fucking hate Matt Ryan.

And the Pats take LB Keith Rivers. I wanted to say McFadden. I know they don’t need another RB, and they have many other holes to fill like cornerback (Cromartie) and their senior citizen linebacking corp (Rivers), but how crazy would it be to see McFadden and Maroney platooning carries on a team that had arguable the best offense in history last year…just saying.

Pick: Keith Rivers

#7: Patriots - hijacked by Big Sexy

I’m totally Hijacking this pick.

With the 7th Pick in the draft, the NE Patriots select…..TRADE! NE trades the 7th Pick to the Detroit Lions, who select…Darren McFadden! Oh yeah, DMac’s goin to D-town. In return New England receives Detroit’s ‘09 1st round pick, ‘10 2nd round pick, and Eminem.

Pros: Lions released Kevin Jones and have a glaring hole at RB (this line was stolen directly from nfldraftcountdown.com). They are aghast at their good fortune of trading up and thus ruining what would have been a future Hall of Famer’s career.

Cons: DMac will actually reside in Windsor, Canada, purchasing a penthouse at the Windsor Hotel & Casino. DMac’s chances of knocking up at least 3 white girls from Windsor college in his rookie season are about 110%.

Hijacked Pick: TRADE, Lions take Darren McFadden

Commentary:

SMac: I was thinking Pats swap ‘08 picks w/ Detroit, thus getting the #15 spot, along w/ an ‘09 1st round, ‘10 2nd round, and Eminem. That’s usually the kind of draft raping they conduct.

Big Sexy: Totally agree with SMac on that. In fact, I was typing about Matt Millen’s love for skill position players when I saw that Big Slim had already posted for the Pats. The Pats definitely trade that pick if Dorsey and D-Mac are still available with Detroit’s inept management the most likely victim.

#8: Ravens - by Big Sexy

Brian Brohm, Louisville

Pros:

1. The Ravens QBs suck so they have to reach and take the best one available.
2. Ravens get another Louisville QB after the Chris Redman era.

Cons:

1. Maybe the biggest reach in the history of the draft.
2. “The Wire” is over so Baltimore should just go away.

Pick: Brian Brohm

#9: Bengals - by Toast

The Bengals select Darren McFadden.

Pros:

1. Stud runner.
2. Would fit in perfect with the Cinci mentality of knocking up multiple chicks and drinking with underage girls.

Cons:

1. Chicken legs

Pick: Darren McFadden (again, sort of)

#10: Saints - by Booth

The Saints could draft a jelly donut here and they should still win their division next year by default. Since you can’t draft jelly donuts, they draft the closest thing to it: Glenn Dorsey.

Pros: Possibly the best player in the draft and definitely the best defensive player.

Cons: He will never be here at this point so the leg humping on Bourban street is a little premature.

Pick: Glenn Dorsey

#11: Bills - by Maske

Here’s what I know about the Bills:

• Lee Evans is kind of awesome
• JP Losman looks like he eats granola for dinner
• The Beez is a better QB than Trent Edwards
• Buffalo is so boring that they’re playing a game in Canadia this year

Based on all that, and the fact I’ve seen this team give away multitudes of games in final drives, me and Jim Kelly are picking Sedrick Ellis to plug the middle on D.

Pros:

1. Bills D can’t suck much worse.
2. Sedrick loves chicken wings.

Cons:

1. Sedrick may find Buffalo slightly different from LA.

Pick: Sedrick Ellis
Commentary

Big Slim: Buffalo is actually considered the L.A. of Upper Western New York, so I’m sure he would fit right in.

#12: Broncos - by Toast

With the #12 pick Denver selects Maurice Clarett.

Pros: Well rested from being in jail.

Cons: Drinks vodka at practice.

If Denver decides to go the more conventional route, I think they will take Chris Williams out of Vandy.

Pros: They need an big tackle to protect Cutler.

Cons: Two players from Vandy playing in the NFL has never happened before, much less playing on the same team. I think that this will be the first sign of the apocalypse.

Pick: Chris Williams (and Maurice Clarrett)

#13: Panthers - by Big Sexy

Carolina selects Mike Alstott. Because if T-Bone had a time machine the first thing he would do is go back in time and have the Panthers draft Alstott. But since T-Bone doesn’t have a time machine (that I know of) the Panthers select….

Braden Albert, Tackle or Guard, Virginia

Pros:

1. Athletic with a very high upside.
2. Addresses major need.
3. Willing to do Bojangles commercials.

Cons:

1. That whole is he a guard or tackle thing.
2. Played at Virginia.
3. Likes to drag race on Tyvola Rd. (google Bobby Phills)
4. Not Mike Alstott.

Pick: Braden Albert (and Mike Allstot)

And this is as far as we got. But seeing that it was such a sweeping success, we’ll probably be drafting all kinds of shit in a more orderly fashion in the near future.

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