Synopsis:

“21″ is based on an awesome true story. Unfortunately, the producers decided to take a crap all over the truth and go with “Mighty Ducks” meets “Rounders” instead.

Pretty much all you need to know is a M.I.T. student named Ben wants to get into Harvard Medicine but can’t afford it since he’s poor and so are his parents (and apparently student loans don’t exist), so his math professor (Kevin Spacey) teaches him and five other students to count cards. Sounds exiting, right? Actually, not so much.

This escalates to Ben and his crew making secret casino trips where they start beating the house with what is basically a combination of subtle Pig Latin and several different versions of the Tomahawk Chop. SHOCKINGLY, Ben gets corrupted by greed, forgets about med school, and puts his professor and friends on the radar of brutal security enforcer (Laurence Fishburne).

Seriously, who gives a fuck about their professor or their friends when they’re dominating the Blackjack table? Hookers are better friends anyway. They never talk back to you.

Irony’s Opinion:

“21″ is just another example of a movie that sucks because of the PG-13 rating. Toss in some gratuitous profanity and nudity and this flick could actually be kind of awesome. Congrats, Hollywood. Maybe for an encore you can remake “Basic Instinct” and scratch the moose knuckles scene.

Message to the Producers:

You made a movie about Vegas, gambling, and strip clubs and you managed to avoid plot substance and nudity. Awesome. I think only “Vegas Vacation” can say it accomplished the same thing. And at least “Vegas Vacation” had Cousin Eddie. All you had was an Asian kid with a bad haircut.

So What About the Ladies?

Or Lady. Ms. Kate Bosworth. She looks outstanding in this movie. However, she never really shows any skin. I hate that I’m perverted enough to be offended by this, but how the hell do you have a pool scene and not throw in her in a bikini? Is she insecure or is the director just a moron?

I’ve been to Vegas. Twice on business and a couple of times with Team Cool & Tough. Do you know what every time had in common? I bumped into girls just as hot as Kate with a lot less clothing at the damn airport. Sure, they probably had some STDs, but that’s why god invented Penicillin (JB knows what I am talking about). Kate might as well have been hanging out at the Baghdad YMCA throughout this flick.

Who Ya Got?: Laurence Fishburne or Kevin Spacey.

Lots of people will go with Spacey. Those people are ass clowns. I go with Morpheus. Or if you want to kick it old school, Tyrone ‘Clean’ Miller (name the movie before clicking the link, then give yourself a high five if answered correctly). In “21″, Spacey’s just kind of a jag off who uses kids to make him rich. Fishburne’s a scumbag too, but at least he’s a BAD ASS scumbag.

If You Like This Movie…

You also really enjoyed riding in the back seat of your mom’s car on the way to the Middle School Dance. You may have even liked “The Cutting Edge” (Beez knows what I’m talking about).

IRONY’S STAR RATING: 2.5 stars

Seriously? A Spacey / Fishburne combo and this is the best we can do? And that’s with an added 1/2 star for Kate’s sex scene being SOOOOOO hot. I saw the top of her shoulder and had to convince my wife my pants just creased weird.

In the immortal words of Nell Carter: “GIMME A BREAK”.

Wait for this on TNT cause you ain’t missing anything if you rent it.

• “Untraceable”
• “Hitman”
• The “Terminator” Showdown
• “Underworld” v. “Resident Evil”
• The Intro

Steve Irony is Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty cinema expert. Enjoy his regular movie columns and please take his opinions with a grain of salt.

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