Punch In The Face Friday: David Blaine And His Lung Capacity
May 2nd, 2008 by NextRound
David Blaine held his breath for seventeen minutes and four seconds on Wednesday, securing the Guinness World Record for Least Significant Accomplishment to Ever Be Aired on Oprah. Congrats, David. Truly impressive. Especially when you consider the number of times John Travolta has made appearances on that show.
So let’s get this straight, David Blaine can hold his breath for a while, and that’s it, right? Nothing else. Just lung capacity. He didn’t spear a shark or masturbate to 80’s porn while in the tank or anything, right? Not breathing is the whole trick.
Why is this a big deal? Did we get into that phone booth with Keanu Reeves or is it still 2008? Weren’t oxygen tanks and seafood conglomerates invented years ago? Maybe if this were 2,000 B.C. David Blaine would be an alpha male with six slutty cavegirl wives as a result of his fish-spearing ability, but as far as we’re concerned he’s just some creepy looking dude who calls himself a magician and enjoys long baths.
Speaking of magic, when did cooling off in the tub for twenty minutes start passing for the dark art? Where are the helpless rabbits and disappearing necklaces and pretty lady assistants? The only assistants we saw on the Oprah’s set were two dudes in scuba gear. This hold your breath shit would never have flown at our childhood birthday parties.
David Blaine, your job is to be a clown. Nothing more significant. You do tricks when people want to see tricks and you go away when people aren’t in the mood. Know your GD role. And welcome to Punch in the Face Friday.
Previous Editions of PITFF:
“Punch in the Face Friday” is NextRound’s weekly exposé on shitty people. Click here to check out the PITFF archives. Click here to email us a nominee.
