Life Of Irony: Neighbor’s Daughter Returns From College

May 8th, 2008 by Steve Irony in Cool & Tough Lifestyle

I used to be cool. Now I’m married with kids and a mortgage payment. I run into a lot of awkward situations in the grown up world because of my former coolness. Old habits are hard to break.

Take this time of year for example. This is when all the newly legal talent comes home from college after spending two semesters being preyed on by frat guys, bouncers, athletes, and professors (great gig if you can get it). Since I used to be one of those frat guys my gut reaction is “YESSSSS!!!!”.

But I’ve learned from experience you have to be careful. Here are some Do’s and Dont’s if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

DON’T tell you your neighbor you noticed his daughter is back from freshman year.

This is a bad idea. There are only a few ways he can interpret this comment, all depending on how hot the daughter is. He’ll think you’re either saying:

A) “How many dudes do you think ran through her while she was away?”

B) “The idea of her hanging out by the pool just made my summer.”

C) “Man, she gained the Freshman 15 and then some. That’s a huge bitch.”

DON’T tell another neighbor you barely know that you noticed your neighbor’s daughter is back from freshman year.

I have gotten WAY too many weird looks from guys I thought were cool when I made this comment. Adding, “You know what I’m talking about, right?” with a wink and a shoulder nudge does not help matters.

DO tell a good buddy that you noticed your neighbor’s daughter is back from freshman year.

Likely responses:

A) High five.

B) Him suggesting beers at your place during peak sun hours.

C) The two of you debating whether she qualifies as a “war pig” or a “slam pig”.

DON’T tell your wife that you noticed your neighbor’s daughter is back from Freshman year.

She will not consider this a casual observation. She may conclude that:

A) The barely legal website she caught you surfing was not a “prank link from a friend” or “a one time thing”.

B) You will never be left alone with the babysitter.

C) You can no longer drink beers with your buddy any place that overlooks your neighbor’s pool.

Avoiding these rules can lead to you being branded The Village Pervert. And that label takes a while to shake. Trust me.

Steve Irony is Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty cinema expert and premature family man. Enjoy his regular contributions and please take his opinions with a grain of salt.