Since what looks to be the worst movie ever made opens today AND stars one of our all-time favorite punching bags, the Kutch, there’s no better time to award the guy with PITFF, if for no other reason than his uncanny ability to make us want to slap the shit out of him every time we see him anywhere.

The weird thing about the Kutch is we’re pretty sure we could have a couple of beers with the guy and resist the urge to kick the crap out of him. It’s his public persona that irks us most.

Think about it. How can some dude make unwatchable movie after unwatchable movie, marry an old lady in his poon-getting prime, rock stupid hats along with a stupid grin, practice Kabbalah, and have a full name that we find so difficult to type we refer to him as “The Kutch” yet still be considered an upper echelon celebrity?

We don’t get it. The Kutch should be waiting tables at the Cheesecake Factory or scamming divorcees at a country club, not cashing million dollar paychecks for movies that attempt to fool audiences into thinking he’s a guys’ guy and Cameron Diaz is a piece of ass. Fucking ridiculous.

The Kutch Gets Punched

Age: 30

Profession: Bad acting, bad reality show producing.

You Know Him From:

• Playing himself on “That 70’s Show”.

• “Punking” celebrities while simultaneously “punking” himself into wearing sideways mesh caps.

• Trading lifestyles with Bruce Willis and making Bruce all the cooler for it.

• His inability to act his way out of a wet nut sack in “The Butterfly Effect”.

• Reminding you of that one really douchey guy from high school that you and your buddies always tried to ditch on the weekends.

Friends With: Guys who are asking to get sucker punched worse than he is (Danny Masterson and Wilmer Valderrama, aka Masterarrama). Maybe it’s just a clever maneuver on the Kutch’s part. Kind of like how you always shower in the gym next to guy’s with baby wangs. Weird you do that.

Also Friends With: Demi Moore’s hot daughters. Life is good.

Things About the Kutch That Suck the Hardest:

• Belongs to a religion that can pretty much be defined as Madonna’s take on Judaism.

• That swimming movie with Kevin Costner.

• Makes money owning restaurants with Masterrama.

• Produced the “The Real Wedding Crashers” aka “The Most Unoriginal, Uninspired Realty Show Ever Made Ever”.

Things That Aren’t Completely Miserable:

• “Beauty and the Geek” has its moments.

• We laughed a couple times during “Dude, Where’s My Car?”.

• That one time he made Timberlake cry on camera was kind of awesome.

For a Photo That Wipes Away Any of That Timberlake Goodwill: Click here. Be warned, it’s super gay.

Fun Facts:

• Since he’s young and Demi is old, they’re both actually in their sexual prime. Hence the warehouse club boxes of KY in the master closet.

• Has stated in interviews that he models his acting methods “after the all-time great performers, like Keanu Reeves.”

• Only dude to ever do a movie with Tara Reid and manage not to bang her.

• The movie poster for “What Happens in Vegas” has already been voted Tooliest of 2008, despite their being seven months left in the year.

Now feel free to go out and punch someone.

Previous Editions of PITFF:

• David Blain and His Lung Capacity
• Deconstructing Chad Johnson
• Benji Madden
• Scott Storch
• Greg Paulus

“Punch in the Face Friday” is NextRound’s weekly exposé on shitty people. Click here to check out the PITFF archives. Click here to email us a nominee.

Email This