It’s that time of year again. Maxim Magazine has released their Top 100 list.

We really wanted to pretend it was so irrelevant it didn’t deserve commentary this year, we really did. But when something is just so ridiculously ludicrous yet still gets quoted and written up like it’s credible we find it too frustrating to turn a blind eye. Especially when the subject in question is pretty ladies.

You know how we know a list ranking the 100 Hottest Chicks in the World sucks? When we scan over said list and come to the conclusion we’d only have consensual sex with 50% of them. That’s how.

Apparently the sole qualifications to make the Maxim 100 are:

• Having a PR rep
• Having lady parts (not entirely conclusive)
• Having had People magazine print your name in the last 15 years

That’s it. Keeping that in mind, here’s this year’s top ten:

10. Ashley Tisdale. Who the fuck is Ashley Tisdale?

9. Lindsay Lohan. Nothing says upper echelon hotness like a coke-whoring nympho with high standards.

8. Christina Aguilera. Yeah, we just double checked our calendar again to. It really is 2008.

7. Eva Mendes. We were to understand being over 30 was some sort of top ten disqualification.

6. Elisha Cuthbert. How do we like our ladies? You guessed it. Run through by three-quarters of the NHL.

5. Sarah Michelle Gellar. Two days ago we would have bet you a thousand dollars she died in ‘05.

4. Eva Longoria. Holy shit. This list is so cutting edge. It. Is. Blowing. Our. Mind.

3. Jessica Biel. 2006 called…

2. Scarlett Johansson. They just hit redial…

1. Marissa Miller. Even our moms know who Marissa is now.

Nice insight, Maxim. Isn’t the point of publishing a magazine to tune your audience into things they might not be aware of? Outside of Ashley Tisdale (who the fuck is Ashley Tisdale?) we can make a compelling argument that every chick in the top ten is past their prime. Their bangability prime anyway.

Sarah Michelle Gellar? #5? You fucking serious? No bullshit? Does Freddie Prinze Jr. have naked photos of some of your editors at a highway rest area? We can’t think of another explanation.

As for the rest of your Top 100, we sifted through it and made a list of chicks we felt were “Poor Decisions”. From there we broke down that list to a condensed “You Must Be Smoking Crack” list. And then from there we developed a subcategory labeled “Super F-ing Gross”. Here’s who comprised that list…

100. Tila Tequila. So you have one last pick and it’s Tila Tequila, huh? We personally would have gone with Abigail Clancy, but hey, six to one, half dozen to the other.

91. Danica Patrick. Nothing spells debilitating erection like a Keebler elf in a full body racing suit.

84. America Ferrera. Coincidentally, we polled every member of Team Cool & Tough and they all agreed that the chick that plays Ugly Betty is the 84th person in the world they’d have sex with if they had their pick.

71. Mariah Carey. Nick Cannon is one lucky dude. Every day of his life must feel like hitting a hole in one then buying the winning Pick Six ticket.

50. Anna Paquin. You know you fantasize about Rogue and the dirty stuff you’d do to her if only you could touch her. Don’t deny it.

47. Ashley Olsen. Just one Olsen twin made the list, but at least Maxim got it right. Ashley’s rack is far superior to Mary Kate’s.

40. Drew Barrymore. We’ve been rendered humorless this is so fucking stupid.

35. Fergie. We weren’t even into her from the neck down this year.

26. Cameron Diaz. It’s pretty clear where we stand on this one.

19. Britney Spears. She just ate Maxim’s last morsel of credibility.

Here’s to Paris Hilton sitting atop the ‘09 list…

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