Sometimes you need help sorting sequels. And that’s just the kind of thing we’re here for. Here’s our breakdown of the first three “Indiana Jones” flicks as well as what you can expect from the new installment opening this week.

Movie Title

1. “Raiders of the Lost Ark”. Super dope.

2. “Temple of Doom”. Forever jaded by similarly titled porno “Temple of Poon”.

3. “The Last Crusade”. Because Monty Python had already taken the “Holy Grail” title.

4. “The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”. Like you on a first date: Trying a little too hard.

Premise (per IMDb)

1. Archaeologist and adventurer (Editor’s note: and raging bad ass) Indiana Jones is hired by the US government to find the Ark of the Covenant, before the Nazis (Nazis are the worst).

2. After arriving in India (eeewww), Indiana Jones is asked by a desperate village to find a mystical stone. He agrees, and stumbles upon a secret cult plotting a terrible plan (and breaking several child labor laws) in the catacombs of an ancient palace.

3. When Dr. Henry Jones Sr. (aka The Best Bond) suddenly goes missing while pursuing the Holy Grail, eminent (and ass kicking) archaeologist Indiana Jones must follow in his father’s footsteps and stop the Nazis (who are still the worst).

4. Famed (i.e. Old as balls) archaeologist/adventurer Dr. Henry “Indiana” Jones is called back into action when he becomes entangled in a Soviet plot to uncover the secret behind mysterious artifacts known as the Crystal Skulls.

Tone of Movie

1. Adventurous. With a blend of edgy and awesome.

2. Dark. With a dab of occult.

3. Clever. With a bit of Da Vinci Code.

4. Nostalgic. With a dash of Shia LaBeouf.

Version of Harrison Ford

1. Post “Empire Strikes Back”, Pre “Return of the Jedi”

2. Post “Blade Runner”, Pre “Witness”

3. Post “Working Girl”, Pre “Patriot Games”

4. Post “Firewall”, Pre Lifetime Achievement Awards

Sidekick

1. Sallah (played by that old dude who’s been in everything)

2. Short Round (played by Data from “Goonies”)

3. Dr. Henry Jones (played by the incomparable Sean Connery)

4. Mutt Williams (played by action star Shia LaBeouf)

Lady Friend

1. The “Animal House” version of Karen Allen.

2. Kate Capshaw in a midriff. Looking kind of 80’s hot prior to marrying Spielberg and never working again.

3. Some foreign chick who died (career wise) after shooting. Unless you count her appearance in “Major League II”, of course.

4. The menopausal version Karen Allen.

Primary Villain

1. Creepy German dude with scarred palm. That guy definitely has a fake MySpace page set up.

2. Indian Witch Doctor. It’s hard to deny how much fun he made sorcery and child brutality look.

3. Goose-stepping Nazi General. Our go-to mental image of every Nazi general ever.

4. Cate Blanchett as Russian dominatrix. In all seriousness though, would you do her?

Best Henchman Kill

1. Shirtless Nazi ogre done in by propeller blade.

2. Giant in turban flattened by steam roller.

3. Three Nazis, one bullet.

4. Bearded Russian run over by motorized Rascal.

Climatic Conclusion

1. Nazis open Ark of the Covenant and get disemboweled. Indy avoids disembowelment by employing the time tested If My Eyes Are Closed It Didn’t Happen maneuver. This is the same technique you use when you make your annual trip downstairs.

2. Indy cuts rope bridge in half and evades having heart physically removed from chest. Then all the bad guys fall into the river and are dismembered by crocodiles, an ending they totally brought on themselves.

3. Indy passes the three tests, picks the correct Holy Grail, and saves his dad’s life. From there the Austrian chick gets greedy, the entire temple collapses, and all the likable characters ride off into the sunset.

4. Shia LaBeouf kills all the bad guys and bangs a stripper. (Just our theory.)

5 Star Rating

1. 5 Stars. Name a better movie. We dare you. If you say “Shawshank” you’re in for an ass kicking.

2. 3.5 Stars. Spielberg went a little overboard with the ritualistic torture and semi-nude children.

3. 4 Stars. Back to basics with just enough Connery. Good times had by all.

4. TBD. We predict the quality of this movie will have some sort of inverse correlation to the number of outlandish LaBeouf scenes.

[Source: IMDb]

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