To the chagrin of fans of gay innuendo jokes everywhere, Mike Piazza announced his retirement yesterday. We feel it’s only fitting we memorialize the best-slugging catcher of all time by making baseless fun of him. Little Known Facts About Mike Piazza:

• Since he was selected in the 62nd Round of the ‘88 MLB Draft, Mike regularly refers to Tom Brady as “The NFL’s Version of Mike Piazza”.

• He even thinks Mike Piazza’s Strike Zone for Nintendo 64 sucked ass.

• Mike is best known outside of baseball for establishing The Piazza Precedent, where a celebrity can call a press conference to pronounce they aren’t gay and then automatically not be gay. Even if they are gay.

• The “Warning Track Power” chant officially retired yesterday along with Mike.

• When he first heard the allegations that Tommy Lasorda paid for sex, Mike’s initial response was, “With girls?”.

• Mike and his former Playmate wife belong to a book club with Jeff Garcia and his former Playmate wife. And there’s nothing to read into that.

• Roger Clemens threw the barrel of the bat at Piazza in the World Series due to an eight year premature crack Clemens heard Mike make about Mindy McCready looking like a dude.

• Mike’s the only member of the ‘97 Dodgers not to have gotten a piece of Alyssa Milano.

• Has been quoted as saying, “Shea Stadium really doesn’t smell as bad as people say. Everyone talks about how it smells like a day old turd when it’s really more like day old cat piss.”

• Billy Ray Cyrus was Mike’s wedding singer. And that’s not a joke.

Farewell, Mike. Please consider regrowing the mullet n’ stache combo while in retirement.

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