“RAMBO” comes out on DVD next Tuesday. I’m not going to bother with any spoiler alerts because they’re lame and if you don’t already have a pretty good idea as to how the plot of “RAMBO” goes I think you suck anyway.

First thing I’d like to make known is that I hated this movie…for not being an hour longer (BONG!).

Seriously, after watching “RAMBO” I’m a little too excited thinking about the possibility of Stallone doing a 5th installment. This flick is like the perfect storm of cheesy action movies: Shit blowing up, horrendous dialogue, and Sly Stallone.

This tagline pretty much says it all: “Heroes never die…They just reload.”

God, I love Stallone.

Synopsis:

Vietnam veteran John RAMBO has withdrawn into a simple and secluded existence in Thailand, where he spends his retirement (from being awesome) wrangling snakes for Thai children and chauffeuring locals around in his old PT boat. It’s really a lot like growing old in South Florida.

One day a group of human rights missionaries, led by a dude named Michael and chick named Sarah (a serious bringer of wood), arrive and approach RAMBO to rent his boat so they can travel up river to Burma to help the farmers of that region who have endured brutally oppressive rule from the murderous Burmese military and have been struggling to yada, yada, yada. Here’s the Irony short version:

• RAMBO makes friends with the hot chick.
• The hot chick inexplicably finds trouble when confronting a Burmese warlord.
• In order to save the hot chick RAMBO must kill roughly two thousand people.

Irony’s Questions:

1) The Hot POA Question. How does a sixty year-old musclebound recluse who’s only marketable skill (outside of snake wrangling) is killing folks manage to stumble upon a hot piece of ass in the middle of the Thai jungle? Go figure that one out.

2) The Always Frowning Question. Why is RAMBO so baffled as to why “trouble always finds” him? Gee, John, let’s think for a second…maybe it’s because your first choice of permanent residence is a third world country run by murderous warlords. Maybe trouble wouldn’t find you if you considered picking a spot where 12 year-olds don’t own machine guns. Do you think maybe there’s a correlation? This is the fourth damn time this has happened to you. After I knocked my wife up twice I learned that I needed to get fixed. Get your shit together.

3) The Who Came Up with the Villain Question. The warlord is like 5′ 1″. And a pedophile. And his name is Major Pa Tee Tint (pronounced: Pa Tee Tint). Who made this guy up?

Quick Bio on Major Party Tent:

He enjoys getting high while watching his army massacre helpless people for no reason whatsoever. It isn’t like he asked his victims to do something and they refused. Or that they tried to burn down his drug fields (I could understand slaying bitches for something like that). He kills them pretty much because he’s a big John Woo fan and enjoys watching people get blown up. And apparently I do too cause this movie is awesome.

And Here Come the Ladies:

Julie Benz plays the leading lady who gets RAMBO to “become” war again. She’s also smok’n. Exhibit A:

I’m kind of a little bitch but I would probably go kick some Burmese midget ass for this lady. Not only does she have a money porn name, but she’s also working a career path that I couldn’t have mapped out better myself:

• She’s one of the voices in “Halo 2″
• She’s Dexter’s girlfriend on “Dexter”
• She’s going to be in the new “Punisher” movie (that hopefully they won’t screw up like the last one).

Then there are the prosties (prostitutes for the lay men out there). They’re only in the movie for about 3 minutes and have zero impact on the plot or anything else, but they dance and get naked while little Kyoto Express cooks throw beer bottles at them so I feel like they deserve some mention.

THE BOW:

Yes, RAMBO rocks a bow. Take a second to let that sink in.

In the day and age of sophisticated guns in action flicks RAMBO pulls out his trusty bow and arrow set. Why is this so awesome? Because you have to be just a Straight-Up Bad Ass to fight a small army with a knife and a bow and arrow set. I hunted deer once, but I sat in a tree stand with a high powered rifle. RAMBO says, “Keep your faggy guns, I’d rather do this 18^th century-style.” AWE-SOME.

I do have to question where RAMBO took his Robin Hood lessons though. I have watched A LOT of war programs on the History Channel and I have NEVER seen a series about how modern armies train their elite soldiers in the art of THE BOW.

Reason to Stick Around for the Credits:

Keep your eye out for the “Pirate Hooker #1″ and “Pirate Hooker #2″ credits, then try and pronounce their names. With “RAMBO” being filmed on location I’m willing to bet these chicks actually make a living as Pirate Hookers.

Over/Under if the Stallion made them earn their spot in this flick?

IRONY’S STAR RATING: 4.5 Stars

I tip my hat to you Stallone. You are the A1 Sauce of action movie stars.

• “21″
• “Untraceable”
• “Hitman”
• The “Terminator” Showdown
• “Underworld” v. “Resident Evil”

Steve Irony is Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty cinema expert and premature family man. Enjoy his regular contributions and please take his opinions with a grain of salt.

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