We’ve done our best to avoid writing about Nick Cannon. Swear we have. But when a crappy actor marries a washed up old lady singer in a bizarre enough manner that you have no choice but to conclude they’re both certifiably insane — who’s kidding who? — we’re like moths to the flame.

We must confess that — to our own personal satisfaction — we don’t know much about Nick. From the one time we saw him on TV, his outfit in the picture to the right, and his willingness to suck face with Mariah we assume he’s a crippling lameass, but at the same time a bit of a daredevil seeing that the number of dudes who have cored out Mariah must be staggering and that he was willing to remake a movie that Patrick Dempsey totally rocked the world’s face in back in ‘87.

Of course, when Cannon completely — and predictably — failed to match the awesomeness bar set by Dempsey his career began dying a slow death that’s ultimately reduced him to seducing Mariah Carey in order to make a few headlines. There’s a price to pay for risk taking.

Keep in mind though that if word breaks that Cannon talked Mariah into marrying him no prenup, then we’ll be changing the title of this article to “Shake the Man’s Hand Friday”. But for all intents and purposes we’ll be assuming Cannon is just a media whoring sociopath who doesn’t mind going down on a 40 year-old mental patient twice a week if it translates to the occasional blurb in People and three squares a day.

Cannon Gets Punched

Age: 27

Profession: Formerly a below average actor. Currently Mariah’s personal man bitch assistant.

You Know Him From:

• The first 15 minutes of “Drumline” you watched on HBO at 2AM one Friday night before passing out with a pizza in the oven.

• That time you and a friend made relentless fun of your one buddy for having this show on at his place.

• The last 10 minutes of “Drumline” you caught when you woke up to the smoke detector going off.

Chicks He Dated That He Didn’t Like as Much as Mariah:

• Christina Milian. Cannon often complained she was “just too fresh faced”.

• Selita Ebanks. Cannon regularly told his friends, “Her boobs just aren’t saggy enough for me. I like ‘em real droopy.”

Editor’s Note: We’ve spent the last hour researching celebrity trade-downs and are yet to find anything in the vicinity of what Nick Cannon has pulled off.

Cannon’s Role Model: The Kutch. When past-their-prime old ladies give you twice the rager twenty year-old POAs do, Ashton Kutcher is who you go to for life lessons.

Cannon and Mariah on Their Honeymoon at Six Flags:

Yes, both are perfectly stable. Perfectly stable. Why do people keep asking that?

Fun Facts:

• Christina Milian broke up with Cannon after she discovered on his Sidekick that he was cheating on her. The break up had less to with his infidelity and more to due with the fact that he owned and regularly used a Sidekick.

• Cannon proposed to Selita Ebanks on the Times Square jumbotron after they had been dating for six weeks. Not wanting the world to view him as an impulsive douchebag he proposed to Mariah after she bought him a pair of new Jordans on their first date.

• Cannon shares a common bond with Carlos Mencia in that they are both regularly billed as comedians despite not actually being funny.

• Cannon owes a serious debt of gratitude to Chris Klein for making the movie “Rollerball”. It’s much easier to sleep at night knowing “Roll Bounce” is only the second worst rollerskating movie made in the 21st century.

Now feel free to go out and punch someone.

Previous Editions of PITFF:

• If Only Arlen Specter Had a Viagra Prescription
• Ashton Kutcher, Lifetime Achievement in Punchability
• David Blain and His Lung Capacity
• Deconstructing Chad Johnson
• Benji Madden

“Punch in the Face Friday” is NextRound’s exposé on the shittiest people of the week. Click here to check out the PITFF archives. Click here to email us a nominee.

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