We anticipate getting high-lowed this weekend simply for knowing enough about Joe Simpson to write this article.

We wish we could argue with that logic, but we can’t. It’s terribly lame of us to be well enough acquainted with Jessica and Ashlee’s dad to spend a Friday morning proving to our audience that even a fifty year-old man can achieve monster levels of douchiness if he’s willing to work at it.

Our only real defense is that Jessica has big boobs. And that we’re doing some dirty work for our boy Tony Romo. Because Joe is pretty much ruining Romo’s life with his suffocating and narcissistic behavior. And if there’s one thing our grandfathers died on the beaches of Normandy for it’s the right for the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys to run through pop star poon hassle free.

Fuck you Joe Simpson.

Joe Gets Punched

Age: 50. Although since his acupuncturist told him he’s got the back of a 35 year-old he’s been telling everyone he’s 33.

Profession: Former shady preacher turned talent manager. Of two clients. Who aren’t all that talented. And have no say in who their manager is.

You Know Him From:

• That one time that chick you were cheating on talked you into watching ‘Newlyweds’ with the “You would totally hang out with Nick Lachey” line.

• The background of those pictures of Jessica at the Cowboys game in the pink Romo jersey. Joe was the slimy old dude sporting a crippling erection.

• From his creepy quotes about Jessica’s double D’s that were read to you by that chick you were dating because her family has money.

Ways He’s Ruining Romo’s Life:

• Phones the paparazzi every time Romo wipes his ass.

• Regularly gives Romo advice on the adequate time to spend on foreplay.

• Frequently asks how difficult it is to hold a snap.

• Insists Jessica’s workout routine was unnatural in preparation for the Daisy Duke role. You know, from when she looked like this:

• Rummages through Romo’s cell for T.O.’s number.

• Forever bringing up “synergies” when Romo and Jessica’s careers are discussed at the same time.

• Pays a Cowboys trainer to strategically leave Joe Simpson business cards in Romo’s locker on a daily basis.

Fun Facts on Joe Simpson:

• Rolling Stone documented the first time Joe showed up to a Fall Out Boy concert as “the exact moment the band lost all relevance”.

• Immediately after Romo got off the stage with Metal Skool he had a text from Joe asking if Mr. Belding has representation.

• Several HBO execs have restraining orders against Joe after he repeatedly showed up a their offices, homes, and gyms to pitch them on how Jessica, Ashlee, and Pete could nonchalantly show up at Cowboys practices during taping of ‘Hard Knocks’ this season.

• Told Pete Wentz “condoms are for virgins” and “all the straight dudes I know pull out” a week before Pete knocked up Ashlee.

Seriously, this guy is the worst. Now feel free to go out and punch someone.

Previous Editions of PITFF:

• Nick Cannon’s Play for Relevance
• If Only Arlen Specter Had a Viagra Prescription
• Ashton Kutcher, Lifetime Achievement in Punchability
• David Blain and His Lung Capacity
• Deconstructing Chad Johnson

“Punch in the Face Friday” is NextRound’s exposé on the shittiest people of the week. Click here to check out the PITFF archives. Click here to email us a nominee.

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