We saw the ABC News health report outlining the use of Preparation H in the New York club scene yesterday on Tasty Booze and then we ran across it again a couple of places today. We’ve spent a solid two hours pretending the rampant douchiness in New York and New Jersey was of no concern to us, but the more we thought about it, the more we want to punch somebody in the neck.

To make us feel better, here’s our outline of the story:

1) Douchebags go to clubs in New York.

2) Douchebags primary concerns are A) outdouching the other douchebags who go to clubs in New York, and B) getting laid. In that order.

3) To get an artificial advantage over the other douchebags a large contingent of douchebags have discovered that Peter Northing their chests with Preparation H causes their skin to constrict, making them look even more “jacked” (no word on how the chemicals react to mystic tan though).

4) The alpha douchebag in the club (the most jacked and tan of all) gets laid by the hottest piece of Jersey this side of a skeeball machine, leaving the remaining douchebags to give quotes like this to the media:

“If you want to get [lucky], you have to know how to dance, and if you want girls to dance with you, you have to look ripped.”

5) Douchebags who “Prep H” themselves on a regular basis end up cutting a couple years off their life due to the negative physical effects of being retarded.

OK, we feel better now. The next step for us to figure out a way to sign up all these goons for a bike race in Mexico.

[Source: ABC News via Tasty Booze]

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