In case you haven’t heard, Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson (and Adam Scott) share a grouping for the first two rounds of the U.S. Open. Things are going to get weird. Here’s a sample of the conversation you’d hear if the #1 and #2 players in the world were miked up:

Tiger: “Have you ever considered fizzling out on Wednesday as opposed to shitting your pants on Sunday? That way you’d have a nice long weekend.”

Phil: “Had a fun phone conversation with Nicklaus this week. He’s REALLY broken up over your knee injury. Couldn’t stop laughing.”

Tiger: “What sort of tape do you use to keep those nipples down? Duck or masking? I know scotch doesn’t cut it.”

Phil: “What’s it like to be the only black dude on the planet to rock male pattern baldness?”

Tiger: “Where do you and all your fraternity brothers get your hair cut?”

Phil: “Stanford, huh? What’s worse, sucking at football, or sucking at basketball?”

Tiger: “Any truth to your Entourage cameo taking place at a sex club?”

Phil: “Remember that time you got on stage with Nickelback? That was awesome. You know, because Nickelback’s super Canadian. And they suck.”

Tiger: “If you want my opinion on whether it’s cooler to win the British Open or the U.S. Open, all you have to do is ask.”

Phil: “What’s your voice like when you’re not doing your best Tim Duncan impersonation?”

Tiger: “Remember when you were skinny?”

Phil: “Remember when you were black?”

Tiger: “Seriously, how many pushups do you think you could do right now? Five? Six? It would be just like that opening scene from Stripes wouldn’t it?”

Phil: “My grandma almost bought a Buick but she said she didn’t want everyone in her community to think she couldn’t get her dick up.”

Tiger: “When I met Elin she reminded me of Amy, except, you know, younger and hotter.”

Phil: “A buddy of mine emailed me those modeling photos of your wife (NSFW link) the other day. Not bad. I was under the impression you guys could afford a razor though.”

And some Adam Scott comments no one will pay attention to:

“Know all those soccer WAGs you see on the internet? I’ve pretty much banged all of them.”

“On a 1 to 10 scale, how gay is it that I’m sponsored by Burberry?”

“I kind of like Phil’s hair.”

“You blokes wouldn’t even believe what I talked Coleen Dominguez into doing last night. Filthy, filthy stuff.”

U.S. Open coverage starts today. Enjoy!

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