Most everyone is aware of Hulk Hogan son’s car accident and all the weirdness that has followed, so we’re not going to get into detail (we’re not in the reporting business, we’re in the baseless humor business), but if you want to get up to date on the latest happenings, and what a bitch Nick Hogan is, and what a delusional scumbag Hulk is, and are just in a general hating mood we suggest checking out WWTDD coverage here and here. The short version: The Hogans are shitty, shitty people.

We’ve found ourselves pretty devastated over the ramifications these revelations of Hogan shittiness have on our childhood. The Hulkster we knew, and loved, and imitated, and went through a tragic bandana wearing stage for no longer exists. And neither does our innocence. To put things into perspective, here’s a breakdown of the Hulk We Knew vs. the Hulk We Now Know. Pretty jarring stuff.

The Hogan We Knew:

• Never let baldness get in the way of greatness.
• Body slammed Andre the Giant.
• Hated Communists and Arabs.
• Body slammed Earthquake.
• Never let his arm hit the mat a third time.
• Could kill a man with a leg drop.
• Popularized referring to everyone as “brother” for meatheads nationwide.
• Made crappy movies that were highly watchable because of their overwhelming crappiness.
• Looked like this.
• Taught us that every appendage sounds cooler if you refer to it as a “python”.
• Taught us that it’s OK to let a midget beat you if you’re in character and the check doesn’t bounce (see: Rocky III).
• Taught us it’s OK to turn heel if you paint on black stubble and clown on Hollywood in the process.
• Taught us that saying prayers and taking vitamins we’re the two keys to happiness.

The Hogan We Now Know:

• Raised his kids to be the worst.
• Made a reality show focused on him wanting to nail his manish daughter, a chick SMac wouldn’t even take home wouldn’t be happy about taking home.
• Has not helped matters by creepily banging his daughter’s look-a-like friend.
• Would endorse chlamydia if the dollar amount was right.
• Has helped ruin American Gladiators’ good name.
• Looks like this.
• Is teaching us that if your son puts a kid in a coma the kid probably brought it on himself.
• Is teaching Screech how to wrestle.
• Is teaching us how to stage a divorce so you don’t go broke when you get sued because your son is a souless retard.

As far as NextRound is concerned Hulk Hogan died on the set of Thunder in Paradise on September 16, 1994. The guy masquerading as Hulk today is the one and only Terry Bollea. Eat a dong, Terry. Eat. A. Dong.

[Source: WWTDD]

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“Punch in the Face Friday” is NextRound’s exposé on the shittiest people of the week. Click here to check out the PITFF archives. Click here to email us a nominee.

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