I’ve made it pretty clear that Summer and I do not coexist well. We’re not even in July and I’m already beginning to resemble one of those fuckups on Intervention. One key to a homicide-free summer is preseason magazines. I grabbed the 2008 Athlon edition with my team’s quarterback on the cover the morning it hit the shelves. I’m kind of awesome like that.

Of course, had I known those short-sighted lemmings at Athlon were going to leave my alma mater out of their Top 25 I would have just saved my seven dollars for that copy of The Last Boy Scout I’ve been eyeing in the checkout line at Target and made an unannounced trip to the DMV in order to experience an equivalent amount of loathing.

Let me breakdown Athlon’s so-called Top 25 for you:

25) Fresno State - David Carr went to Fresno State. David Carr wears white gloves. White gloves are gay. You do the math.

24) Wake Forest - I’m of the opinion that if the majority of the nation knows your starting quarterback because he likes to take pictures of his dong and email them to co-eds then you should automatically be disqualified from any preseason rankings. Maybe I’m in the minority.

23) Penn State - Did Athlon not get the email where we all agreed to understand that Penn State is going to suck until a certain someone dies already?

22) Rutgers - Did Joe Pa not get Greg Schiano’s email to go ahead and die already so he could get the hell out of Jersey?

21) Virginia Tech No way the Hokies outrun the Vick karma another year. No fucking way.

20) South Florida - They don’t even realize they’re in Central Florida! Aaargh!

19) Oregon - Was ESPN just fucking with me when they told me Dennis Dixon and Jonathan Stewart got drafted this year?

18) Texas Tech - Call me when they hang 60 on any team with a pulse.

17) Tennessee - 17? Really? Anyone else see an SEC slob job in the works?

16) Illinois - I for one am all for Illini relevance. The world can’t get enough Ron Zook jokes.

15) Arizona State - I’m 90% sure Dennis Erickson drinks whiskey on the sidelines. ASU would have been in my top ten.

14) BYU - 14? Really? Big Love must be a better recruiting tool than I thought.

13) Kansas - Mangino is my write-in vote for president.

12) Wisconsin - Being the second best team in the Big 10 is kind of like being the second most stable Jackson.

11) Texas - My cousin who sings lead for a Wham cover band could have this team in the top five every year. Mack Brown blows.

10) Clemson - I’m sure I’ll buy this six weeks in. Just in time for me to donate my savings account to my bookie.

9) LSU - How many LSU fans wish they could take back their Perriloux signing day erections? That number has to be in the tens of thousands.

8 ) Auburn - Could be worse. Saban or Nutt or Petrino or Miles could win the SEC West.

7) West Virginia - One Pat White injury aware from being Connecticut.

6) Missouri - I was to understand Mizzou being good was a one year thing.

5) Georgia - Look at the big balls on Athlon! Pretty sure picking UGA #5 at any other publication comes along with a pink slip.

4) USC - The Dirty Sanchez era begins now…

3) Oklahoma - Anyone else starting to get the impression that Bob Stoops couldn’t coach his way out of a wet nutsack?

2) Ohio State - I’m with you Athlon. The BCS Championship game kind of gave me a warm feeling as well.

1) Florida - “When you just don’t know, go with Tebow.” That’s what I like to do anyway.

OK. I feel better. Time for a nap. Someone wake me when August camp starts. We have this true freshman running back I think can be special.

[Source: Athlon Sports]

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