Dear Jessica Alba’s Agent:

We’re of the opinion your W-2 should be public record. It would be nice to put a number to your annual income when we’re discussing what a massive overpaid waste of space you are.

The Love Guru sucks ass AND bombed. Of course it did. A movie trailer with that much hockey pretty much guarantees a flick is going to be unwatchable, and that’s before you even factor in a washed up Mike Myers sporting a sack full of fart jokes.

Here’s our question: What exactly would you say you do?

History tells us reading scripts and providing input on what douchebags knock up your clients are not part of your job description. Your only duty — as far as we can gather — is cashing checks generated from the “Well, it looks fucking terrible, but I’ll sit through it because Alba’s in it” phenomenon.

We’re just fed the fuck up with your lack of effort. Sure, we could throw a dart at a pack of street performers and pick one that could out act Alba, but that’s not the point, is it? The point is she’s a renowned piece of ass and it can’t be that difficult to slip her in a decent flick here or there.

You’re telling us you couldn’t get her an audition for one of the three big superhero flicks this summer? You let penis deflators like Gwyneth Paltrow, Liv Tyler, and Maggie Gyllenhaal beat her out? What do the chicks in those movies have to do anyway? Look frightened like 95% of the time? You couldn’t just tell her you were working on her doing another flick with Dane Cook prior to every scene?

You have to understand, we want to see Jessica in movies. We really do. It’s just we refuse to see any of the following:

• Movies entitled The Love Guru.
• B horror movies about evil organs with a mind of their own.
• Movies about Hayden Christensen trying to act while in a coma.
• Movies with Dane Cook in the credits.
• Movies with crappy looking stone superheros.
• Movies where half the scenes contain a shirtless Paul Walker.
• Movies about hip hop dancing co-starring Missy ‘Misdemeanor’ Elliot.

We don’t feel like we’re overstepping our bounds by saying pretty much all dudes like us feel the same. And yet, the types of flicks you keep plugging your client in are exactly the types of movies we refuse to see. (For the record we’re OK with the Sin City casting even if the movie was trying a little too hard.)

So here’s our charge to you, Alba’s agent: get Alba in something that doesn’t suck hairy nutsack. It doesn’t have to be an award winner, or even a People’s Choice award winner, it just has to be something we’re willing to subject our retinas too. Off the top of our head we’re thinking something with The Rock in it, or maybe one of those virtual deals Vivid is always telling us about.

Oh, and while you’re at, see if you can get us Cash Warren’s cell number. We just want to tell him what big fans we are. Swear.

Thanks,

NextRound

• 10 Movie Titles That Double As Euphemisms For Genitalia
• Mark Sanchez Really Likes Hot Dogs
• The Expendables Trailer Is Finally Here

Make This Popular:

email

facebook

stumble

twitter