Mindless Movies For Men (And Really Butchy Lesbians): National Treasure: Book Of Secrets
June 24th, 2008 by Steve Irony
If you saw the first one then you’ve pretty much seen this one. I had high hopes, but I’m afraid not even getting super stoned could make this movie good. Maybe I just expect too much from “THE CAGE” (he’s no Dolph Lundgren, but he is still KICK ASS in all caps, Bangkok Dangerous is going to rock your face). Or maybe it has something to do with the studio hiring the same guy who wrote the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels. Alright, let’s get started…
Synopsis:
When a missing page of John Wilkes Booth’s diary surfaces, Ben’s (Nic Cage’s) great-great grandfather is suddenly implicated as a key conspirator in the death of Abraham Lincoln (which is apparently a bad thing for Northerners). Determined to prove his ancestor’s innocence, Ben follows an international chain of clues through Paris and London and ultimately back to the US (happens just about as quick as you just read it). Ultimately, the journey leads Ben and his crew in pursuit of the World’s Largest Treasure. (Seriously, how many “World’s Largest Treasures” are there in the states that we don’t know about? Seems like someone would have run into them all by now, or there would be a paper trail or something).
Sounds like a solid movie, huh? Unfortunately it’s not. Don’t get me wrong, it will entertain you, BUT the big problem with sequels like this is that whoever is in charge of making them doesn’t get that what made the first one cool wasn’t all the over the top action. NT2 is like a hybrid of Goonie’s and Marky Mark’s The Big Hit. For god’s sake, THE CAGE rocks a laughable receder while breaking into the oval office and kidnapping the PRESIDENT of the United States. GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
Guess what, I read the Book of Secrets. You know what it told me? That even Seagal knows an un-rockable receder + a presidential kidnapping = a shitty movie.
And He Come The Ladies:
Diane Kruger and Helen Mirren. If you’re asking yourself where you’ve seen Diane Kruger, let me give you a hand. You recognize her from the first National Treasure and as Helen in 2004’s Troy. Troy’s probably a little fuzzy because if you’re like me you couldn’t get your mind past Brad Pitt’s dreamy haircut.
And then there’s the female “silver fox”, Helen Mirren. Dude, this chick use to BRING the heat, evidenced here:
Told you she was hot. Notice the cans. (For some NSFW footage of a young Helen I recommend Google image searching her without the filter.)
So all in all there isn’t a lot to look at. And Diane has been in so many bad movies I don’t even have the energy to make fun of her for it. I think I know who also uses Jessica Alba’s Agent…
What I Liked:
Pretty much the same things I liked about the first one. Solid idea, some cool locations, a little suspense.
What You Will Like:
Not a whole lot. The solid idea is the same solid idea from the first installment. The cool locations aren’t actually all that cool. They go to London in order to — I presumed — check out WAGS and all the models with big tits, but then they end up spending all their time in the Queens office (AWESOME). Leave it to Nic Cage and Disney to fuck that up.
Like I mentioned, I expect more from the man who gave me the line, “I can eat a peach for hours” to use while staring into a girl’s eyes (believe me when I tell you it’s killer, however my sister in-law didn’t think it was all that cool, but screw that uppity bitch).
And what about the suspense? Well, it’s not Silence of the Lambs. Even the gun fights suck. I was actually praying for Nick Cage to get shot, and I never want anything bad to happen to THE CAGE.
Snake Eyes was the BOMB.
Result of Referral:
Your 12 year-old nephew will call you a pussy.
IRONY’S STAR RATING: 2 Stars.
I came to that number primarily accounting for Diane’s cleavage (1 star) and the showcase of incredible talent that is THE CAGE (1.5 stars, minus a half star for thinking he pulled off the receder).
Previous Editions of Mindless Movies:
Steve Irony is Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty cinema expert and premature family man. Enjoy his regular contributions and please take his opinions with a grain of salt.
June 24th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Cage was the shit in Face Off …. that was .. until Grease Boy fucked it up and became Cage. Then he was pretty much a pussy that cried in jail.
I’ll probably watch NT2 when it comes out on TV, I figure nothing will get censored, so I’ll still get the lameness of the movie.