Being bombarded by Wanted trailers got us to thinking that there are two kinds of actors out there: the ones who selectively pick and choose their roles in order to maintain their artistic reputation and the ones who are not scared to cash a paycheck. We’re concerned with the latter.
Editor’s Note: This list is limited to actors and actresses we think are talented and capable of producing good work and does not include people who are dead to us (see: Eddie Murphy).
Angelina Jolie - We would trade five years off our lives for a night with her so we don’t mind a mail-in job here and there as long as she looks hot doing it.
Rushed to the teller after: The Bone Collector, Gone in Sixty Seconds, The Tomb Raider flicks, Life or Something Like It, Shark Tale, and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow.
Key Indicator: Rocking the eye patch in Sky Captain.
Latest cash flow projects: Wanted and Kung Fu Panda aren’t going to win any awards but they should keep the kids in diapers.
Samuel L. Jackson - If we were ranking this list (and not starting off with Angelina in order to have her hot photo at the top) Sam Jackson would be #1 by a landslide. We defy you to find anyone less scared to endorse a studio check.
Rushed to the teller after: Deep Blue Sea, the WWE appearance he made as Shaft, both XXX flicks, The Man , Snakes on a Plane, 1408, and Jumper.
Key Indicator: The shark eating him fifteen minutes into Deep Blue Sea even though his name was above the title on the movie poster.
Latest cash flow projects: This summer’s animated Star Wars flick and Soul Men with Bernie Mac.
Morgan Freeman - When you’re as old and as good as Morgan Freeman you can do whatever the hell you want to.
Rushed to the teller after: Chain Reaction, Deep Impact, Hard Rain, Dreamcatcher, Evan Almighty, and The Bucket List.
Key Indicator: Sharing a screen with Keanu and this haircut.
Latest cash flow projects: Here we’re obligated by the internet movie lover’s code to mention how bad ass The Dark Night is going to be. But besides that Morgan is currently dropping m-fers in Wanted and filming a comedy with Chris Walken about museum security guards. And speaking of Walken…
Christopher Walken - We respect the shit out of these old dudes who know their resume speaks for itself and have zero qualms with plumping up their grandkids’ college fund.
Rushed to the teller after: Blast from the Past, the two Prophecy sequels, everything he’s ever done for television, Joe Dirt, America’s Sweethearts, Kangaroo Jack, Gigli, The Stepford Wives, Click, Envy, and Man of the Year. Simply impressive.
Key Indicator: Stepping foot on the set of Joe Dirt.
Latest cash flow projects: Getting dolled up like a geisha for Balls of Fury and being rumored as playing Ozzie Osborne in the Motley Crue movie (written by Tommy Lee so you know it’s good).
Luke Wilson - Luke Wilson is either a workaholic who doesn’t read scripts or a guy doing whatever necessary to pay off a massive gambling debt. Jury’s still out.
Rushed to the teller after: Blue Streak, the Charlie’s Angels movies, Soul Survivors, Alex & Emma, the Legally Blonde flicks, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Vacancy, and the critically acclaimed Jessica Simpson straight-to-DVD feature, Blonde Ambition. That, our friends, is simply craptastic.
Key Indicator: He’s always drunk.
Latest cash flow projects: Some “comedy” about a college professor battling a another female professor for tenure. We’ve set the over / under on how many years Luke can go without starring in a watchable movie before studios stop paying him at seven. Almost there.
Alec Baldwin - We love Baldwin but this dude works for one thing only: the cheddar. Good news is he’s just recently announced he’s available for bar and bat mitzvahs!
Rushed to the teller after: Mercury Rising, Pearl Harbor, The Cat and the Hat, Along Came Polly, his appearance on Nip / Tuck, his appearances on Las Vegas, Fun with Dick and Jane, straight-to-DVD Suburban Girl with Sarah Michell Gellar, and straight-to-DVD Brooklyn Rules with Freddie Prinze Jr. The real question is where the Prinze Jrs store the pictures of Alec and the tranny.
Key Indicator: All his scenes for Mercury Rising were shot in one take.
Latest cash flow projects: A flick with Dane Cook and Jason Biggs call My Best Friend’s Girl that will almost certainly drive someone to gouge their own eyes out.
Robert DeNiro - We’re pretty sure DeNiro is a just a weird dude with zero social skills who takes any role offered to him in order to avoid summers chocked full of computer solitaire.
Rushed to the teller after: Frankenstein, The Fan, Great Expectations, Rocky & Bullwinkle, 15 Minutes, Showtime, Analyze That, Shark Tale, Meet the Fockers, and Hide and Seek.
Key Indicator: 15 Minutes literally might be the worst movie ever made.
Latest cash flow projects: Doing a movie called Righteous Kill with Pacino that could go either way seeing that next on our list is…
Al Pacino - It’s no small coincidence that there’s a direct correlation between Pacino starring in The Devil’s Advocate with Keanu and his acting career plunging head first into the shitter.
Rushed to the teller after: Dick Tracy, S1m0ne, The Recruit, Gigli, and Two for the Money.
Key Indicator: Not firing his agent after S1m0ne.
Latest cash flow projects: The new flick with DeNiro and voicing a Heat video game that we’d like to retroactively include on DeNiro’s list.
Nicole Kidman - We felt the need to toss in one more female for affirmative action’s sake, but after looking over Nicole’s last few movies she was a shoe-in. We’re pretty sure we could talk her into a snuff film if the check had enough zeros.
Rushed to the teller after: Batman Forever, The Peacemaker, Practical Magic, Eyes Wide Shut, The Stepford Wives, Bewitched, and The Invasion.
Key Indicator: Spending years with Tom Cruise.
Latest cash flow projects: All her upcoming stuff looks legit but we’ll see what happens when Keith Urban’s albums quit selling.
Nicolas Cage - We couldn’t help ourselves from including the incomparable Nic Cage. Sure, you could probably make the argument that THE CAGE is incapable of doing anything decent at this ridiculous hair point of his career, but we’re holding out that he has one or two critically acclaimed watchable movies left in him.
Rushed to the teller after: Where to begin? Guarding Tess, It Could Happen to You, Trapped in Paradise, Kiss of Death, Face/Off, 8MM, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, The Wicker Man, Ghost Rider, and Next. The last three being so horrendously awful they kind of made us appreciate Con Air, Lord of War, and the National Treasure sequel.
Key Indicator: Pretending to be under the impression that The Wicker Man, Ghost Rider, and Next aren’t comedies.
Latest cash flow projects: The Bangkok Dangerous flick — that Film Drunk so brilliantly coined as Brotox Dangerous — and a handful of other movies that could range from fairly solid to piss-your-pants laughable, all depending on which Nic Cage shows up. We’re fairly certain that you may stain your slacks watching the movie he’s making with 50 Cent.
Related Posts:- Piranha 3D Might Not Be In 3D
- The Hottest Babes In Christmas Movies
- Brilliantly Subtle Tarantino Movie Posters
Make This Popular:
email 
facebook
stumble
twitter reddit digg