We’ve devised a simple three step plan that should help you turn the NBA draft into a productive Thursday night filled with all the things you love most: drinking, comedy, and ignoring chicks that annoy you.

STEP 1: Self-Induced Hazing

Do you ever feel like you don’t party as hard as you did in college, or even high school? Remember the days of downing warm shots of whatever brown liquor you could steal from your parents’ liquor cabinet?

Well, we have some good news. Tonight the NBA presents an opportunity to revisit your roots and channel your inner awesomeness. The build up to the first pick will focus on debating whether the Bulls should draft Derrick Rose or Michael Beasley, which is completely irrelevant and a waste of your time since the Bulls are 100% taking Rose.

However, you can take full advantage of the endless ramblings by playing a fun drinking game that the 16 year-old inside of you will love. Every time one of those blowhards on the ESPN set says the word “UPSIDE” or homoerotically describes a strapping young college dropout as “LONG”, take a drink.

Keep it up through the first five picks and you’ll experience the most entertaining way to watch guys like Beasley, Mayo, and Gordon get drafted. Stop at that point or you may not wake up in the morning.

STEP 2: Revel in All Things Knicks

Now that you’re totally annihilated prepare for the Knicks to pick at #6. Here’s what you know about the Knicks:

1. Isiah Thomas fucked up the roster beyond all recognition.
2. To prove the roster wasn’t that fucked up Isiah decided to coach the team himself.
3. When that didn’t work he gave up on life and sexually harassed some chick in the Knicks front office who was asking for it.
4. Isiah’s coaching career worked out about as well as Shaq’s rap career.

What you might not realize is that the Knicks hired Mike D’Antoni (former Suns head coach) to replace Isiah. A good hire except for the fact that D’Antoni was pretty much the reason the Suns booted Stephon Marbury out the door to make room for Steve Nash. I’m sure they’ll coexist nicely seeing that Marbury has such a level head on his shoulders.

But an even more important storyline on draft night is D’Antoni’s love for all things Italian. D’Antoni learned his run and gun style coaching in Italy and apparently has settled on drafting some random Italian dude with the sixth pick out of pure obligation.

The Madison Square Garden crowd will either A) Cheer because this pick represents the end of the Isiah era (possible outcome), B) Boo relentlessly because they realize that D.J. Augustine, Brook Lopez, Kevin Love, Jerryd Bayless, AND Joe Alexander are all still available (likely), or C) Hurl batteries at the stage when David Stern announces that the Knicks have traded down (extremely likely if it happens).

STEP 3: Ditch the bitch

Now that your buzz is evening out (a little) and you’ve witnessed the Knicks guaranteeing some foreign dude millions of dollars to suck balls at basketball, it’s time to take care of some personal business: getting rid of that girl that thinks the two of you are dating.

Sometimes in life you have to take advantage of an opportunity to let someone look into the future. If you like some girl (extremely rare) you paint her the picture of a successful family man. If you can no longer tolerate her incessant nagging while you’re trying to watch Die Hard on cable (just about always) you paint her a much more realistic picture of a semi-successful, slightly overweight dude who will always prefer investing his paycheck at the local strip club as opposed to diapers and groceries.

The NBA Draft on a Thursday night is the perfect backdrop to paint the realistic picture. All you have to do is continue playing drinking games with yourself and providing personal expert analysis of every pick without any signs of letting up. Trust me, I have experience. This plan is tried and true. She’ll be gone before the 2^nd round starts and you’ll never hear from her again. Talk about a good night’s sleep.

Previous Editions of Turf Toe:

• Big Brown v. Casino Drive
• Sports to Watch This Summer When You’re Not Watching the NHL Finals
• A Fond Farewell to Those We Will Never Hear from Again
• Booth Previews the Western Conference
• Booth Previews the Eastern Conference

Wicked Case of Turf Toe is Booth’s regular column dedicated to passing judgment on the world of sports. Click here for the archives.

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