NFL Players Less Likely To Save Your Life

July 8th, 2008 by NextRound in Humor, NFL

Last week Tony Gonzalez performed the Heimlich maneuver on a choking man and saved his life. Pretty admirable stuff. We’re not so sure other NFL players are as likely to step up in similar situations. These players especially…

Chad Johnson - He wouldn’t be sure if you would be willing to do the same for him in a similar situation.

Jeremy Shockey - He’d want to help, he really would, but you might be on the sidelines and the Giants probably wouldn’t let him down there.

Jerramy Stevens - Why would he save you when he’s most likely the one threatening your life?

Marshawn Lynch - Would be busy heading in the opposite direction.

Osi Umenyiora - Osi is about two things: football and pooping. Superheroing is not on Osi’s resume.

Ben Roethlisberger - Big Braindead would do his best, just pray long division isn’t required to save your life.

Brady Quinn - Has a long of history of fainting at the scene of an accident.

Clinton Portis - Depends on the alter ego. Sheriff Gonnagetcha maybe. Southeast Jerome not so much.

Eli Manning - His parents told him to never interact with strangers. You should know better.

Lendale White - You wouldn’t stand a chance now that Five for Fives are back at Arby’s.

Jeff Reed - Prior obligations to the gun show.

Matt Leinart - A person can’t just get up and walk out in the middle of a mani-pedi.

Brandon Marshall - He’s busy trying to protect himself from fast food wrappers. You would be on your own.

Javon Walker - How’s he supposed to save you when he wouldn’t even remember how he got there?

We should probably also mention that ex-NFL ~~star~~ player Brian Bosworth helped rescue a woman from a car accident on Saturday. We found the act equally as heroic as Gonzalez’s until we were informed that the Boz also gave the injured woman an autographed copy of Stone Cold, which is pretty much doing the exact opposite of saving her.