The transition from college life to the real world is a cruel one, especially when it comes to the gratuitous use of profanity.

The Issue: You just spent four to seven years cursing like a sailor on meth, now you’ve got a job where they expect you to shave every morning and not answer questions with “fuck if I know…”

When Things Get Weird:

• When the sixty year-old admin overhears you refer to your computer as a worthless cocksucker.

• When your buddy calls your work phone and you repeatedly let him know what a pussy he is for not meeting you for a beer.

• When you tell the IT guy he can eat your ass in good fun. Except he doesn’t recognize the good fun.

• When you spill coffee on your shirt in the breakroom and unleash a never-before-heard combination of “fuckstick”, “shitballs”, and “c— puncher”.

How It Affects You: If you can’t reign in the profanity rather quickly you’ll either get shitcanned or forced to complete some HR courses on professionalism, each comparably miserable depending on how hard up for cash you are.

Only Ways to Adapt:

• Become the office mute (low to medium difficulty, you don’t want to talk to the losers in your office anyway).

• Train your brain to associate profanity with booze (medium difficulty, easier transition if you’re a borderline alcoholic).

• Flanderize yourself (high difficulty, debilitatingly lame).

• Only work for guys who are way shadier than you are. WAY shadier.

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