The British Open starts today and we’re celebrating by mocking one of its time honored traditions: the champion making out with the claret jug.

The time Tiger was on his third date with the jug and tried to get to second base.

The time John Daly pretended he was getting a table dance at Scores.

The time Ben Curtis got further than he did on prom night.

The time Tom Watson pulled a Joe Namath. Kiss me, Claret. Kiss me.

The time last year when Pádraig Harrington thought he heard his wife coming.

The time Ernie Els felt he deserved a younger, hotter, more innocent jug.

The time Justin Leonard stunned the British gallery with his ginormous erection.

The time David Duval stared off in the distance at his many major championships to come.

The time Todd Hamilton knew he wouldn’t be back so he tweaked a nipple handle.

The time Jack Nicklaus reminded the jug that fat boys need loving too.

The time Seve Ballesteros’s massive schnoz got in the way of a tender moment.

The time Paul Lawrie kept a lookout for the crew from To Catch a Predator.

The time Greg Norman’s wife was a cock block and later raped him for a 100 mil.

The time Nick Faldo wanted to avoid a hickey so he wore a turtleneck.

And the time Gary Player let the jug know what he’d do if she ever crossed him.

Here’s to four days of enjoying the third best major.

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