I work for a living. I get up at 6:30AM. I go to the office and I do lawyer stuff until the early evening. When I get home I immediately check my work email. Out of nowhere I am a pathetic, slightly chubby, responsible adult. As those of you who have gotten to know me might imagine, I look forward to lunch at McDonald’s more than any other part of my day. Recently when I got together with the rest of Team Cool & Tough for at a buddy’s wedding, the guys challenged me to eat 60 McNuggets in one sitting.

The Official Nugget Challenge: Toast would purchase 100 nuggets, and then Toast, JB, and Maske would pay me $1 for every nugget if I could finish 60. Then I would make $2 per nugget for each nugget I could eat after 60. Did I mention this would be per person? So I would get $180 if I could get the 60 nuggets down and then I would get $6 per nugget from 61 on. Awesome, right?

Well, I suck and bailed on the challenge for two reasons:

1) I can’t eat when I’ve been drinking. (We started drinking that morning at breakfast. They extended the challenge at 3PM. And yes, this is the only time in my life I’m not ravenously hungry.)

2) I ate lunch at 1:30, so the little appetite I did have that afternoon was gone.

But, the Nugget challenge was officially tabled until a future date. Don’t worry, with football season approaching it’s going to happen. We will keep you informed.

After I shook off my three day hangover from that weekend, I had an epiphany: I CAN EAT 60 MCNUGGETS in a single sitting. I have no doubt in my mind. On an average day around lunchtime I know I can consume at least 2,800 calories (and most likely a lot more). It’s kind of depressing to know there are few things I want more in life than to house massive quantities of food.

The epiphany eventually led me to believe it was time to start eating healthier at lunch. So what did my dumbass decide to do? Go to Subway. I am such a fucking idiot. Never go to Subway.

Jared has told me for years that I can just stop in Subway, grab a quick sub, and get the hell out of there. I may even run into Reggie Bush or Michael Strahan. No. This is not the case. First, they don’t even have a drive thru. You have to get out of your car and go stand in line. It’s bullshit. And what does everyone do when they’re stuck standing in line? THEY LOOK AT THE DAMN MENU. Everyone except the moron wannabe bodybuilder in front of me, that is. No, that asshole talked on his cell phone. It was a really pressing call about the importance of working you lats from what I could gather.

So while I was debating whether to take down a footlong meatball or a footlong philly cheesesteak they asked Mr. Meathead what he wanted. Of course Captain America was dumbfounded by the complexity of the situation. He was at a sub shop and they asked what sandwich he would like to order, how perplexing. You would have thought it was freshman year and he’d just been asked to explain derivative algorithms in front of the calculus class.

Here is how the exchange went (including Booth’s internal monologues):

Mr. Meathead (internally): Uh, uh, uh. I don’t know, do they do protein boosts here?

Me (internally): Go overdose on steroids…I really wanna cheesesteak.

MM: How is da veggie?

Me (internally): How is the veggie? Are you fucking serious? I’m sure the sandwich artists hit up the farmers’ market on their way in this morning. Go with it buddy.

MM: I will take a 6-inch turkey. On wheat.

Me (out loud so Captain America is sure to hear me): Fuck me. How is the cheesesteak?

15 Year-Old Sandwich Artist: Good, I guess…

Me: Sounds goddam delicious, make it a footlong. Do you guys have fries?

The moral of all this? It has gotten to the point where I can hardly go anywhere. The general public bugs the shit out of me. They move too slow, they get in my way, and they don’t have the slightest sense of what is going on in the world around them. The general public is the fucking worst.

Want to know the other moral of the story? Fuck if I care anymore how fat I get going to McDonald’s for lunch everyday. At least they have a drive thru.

FYI: I am going to dominate the Nugget Challenge.

Previous Editions of Happily Hungover:

• Palace on a Lake, This Could Get Ugly
• Palace’s First Race, Good but Not Great
• Palace on a Lake Begins Her Illustrious Career
• Booth Gets a Job
• When Acting Cool & Tough Goes Bad

Happily Hungover is Booth’s column chronicling the life and times of NextRound’s Marketing Director, Legal Counsel, and Resident Couch Dweller.

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