This year — like every year — we passed on watching the ESPY Awards. We know of better ways to kill braincells. But in the future these ten categories could get us to tune in…

Best Illegitimate Dad - Past winners include the obvious likes of Shawn Kemp, Evander Holyfield, and Travis Henry. Tom Brady and Darren McFadden would have been included in this year’s nominations, igniting a healthy quantity vs. quality debate.

Best ESPN Personality Termination - Recognizing the former ESPN personality the casual sports fan is most thankful to no longer have to endure on the network. Sean Salisbury and Michael Irvin would have headlined this year’s list of nominees. Emmitt Smith should go ahead and make room on his mantle.

Best Womanizing Athlete - AKA the Derek Jeter Award. With the breaking Minka Kelly news we don’t see how Jeter wouldn’t have walked away with the trophy again this year. And to think, six months ago we were under the impression Romo was a serious contender. So sad.

Best Coaching Tirade - Mike Gundy would have been the odds on favorite, but Mark Mangino had serious darkhorse potential (NSFW audio):

Best Performance by an Athlete in an Arrest - Two weeks ago we thought Cedric Benson’s boating performance had this locked up, but Matt Jones and his eight ball made a serious late push.

Best Obnoxious Fans - Philly and Boston fans would be the perennial favorites, but based on this footage and this footage we don’t see how New York fans wouldn’t have run away with it this year.

Best Cheerleading Squad - Pro, college, adult films, whatever. One team takes all. Completely talent based. And by “talent” we of course mean hotness, not the ability to do flips and choreograph and shit.

Best Performance by an Athlete in a Contract Year - One of those awards only an athlete’s peers can fully appreciate.

Best Off the Field Performance by an Athlete Caught on Video - Can you say, “Tell me how my ass tastes!”?

Best Performance by an Athlete in a Post-Game Interview - Garnett in a landslide…

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