10 Olympic Events We Could Sign On For

August 4th, 2008 by NextRound in Humor, Sports

Yao Ming reminded us over the weekend that the Olympics start this week. Like most American sports fans we’re vaguely interested at best. If anything we hope the games will help eat up two more weeks until football season and maybe steal a few headlines from Favrablanca.

What would really pique our interest in the Olympic Games is a little modernization of the events. Archery and badminton are nice and all if you live in a retirement community, but isn’t it about time the IOC jumped head first into the 21st century and targeted a younger, hipper demographic? Here are 10 new events that we could sign on for…

Olympic Arm Wrestling. Sure, Boxing, Weightlifting, and Greco-Roman Wrestling all gauge strength and athleticism, but as anyone who has ever seen Over the Top knows Arm Wrestling is the only true barometer we have to determine physical supremacy. Stallone would probably even come out of retirement to compete.

Olympic Midget Tossing. We’ve had our fill of American midget tossing, but mix it up with a bunch of different nationalities and we’re in.

Olympic Wii Fit. Women’s only event where pantless females from a variety of nations compete for Wii Fit dominance. The actual scores from the Wii games would factor into the overall score but form and the ability to hypnotize an audience would be the primary contributors.

Olympic Plutonium Wing Eating Contest. Why competitive eating hasn’t already been embraced by the IOC is beyond us. For our money there’s no better medium than ludicrously hot chicken wings. As anyone who has ever witnessed a plutonium wing eat off will tell you, it’s kind of like the Nathan’s Hot Dog Contest but with the added dimension that a contestant could go into cardiac arrest at any moment. The profuse sweating alone would make this event highly watchable.

Olympic Jousting. Whatever happened to jousting? Seems kind of throwback awesome. Can’t be dangerous, right? We’d tune in out of curiosity, for sure.

Olympic Breakdancing. Breakdancing is mesmerizing. We can watch those kids on the streets for hours. And now they’d have something to aspire for outside of wadded up singles. Here’s a taste of what it would feel like:

Olympic Power Hour. One shot of beer every minute. Last man or woman standing wins. The perfect supplement to breaks in Arm Wrestling and Midget Tossing action. Hour two is where things start to get interesting. Russia and Germany would be early favorites.

Olympic Fear Factor. You haven’t lived until you’ve watched a Polish dude down a maggot milkshake.

Olympic Punt, Pass, and Kick. Let’s Americanize this bitch already. A taste of the pigskin is just what the Games need. And we aren’t talking about a bunch of junior high kids competing; we’re talking about the best of the best. Ideal event for controversial football players looking to repair their image by representing their country (Mike Vick?).

Olympic Girls on Trampolines. Final day women’s only competition (although we’d be open to the idea of a funny fat guy category). Similar scoring to the Wii Fit event. The international angle would be especially intriguing here.