Just to be clear, we’re talking about an enviable three-way. Two chicks. Two attractive chicks. Zero Eiffel Towers.

We were reading about this new Woody Allen flick we’ll never see starring Scarlett Johansson and Javier “Friendo” Bardem and became rather intrigued by the premise. Apparently Bardem plays a superhero with the power to effortlessly talk hot chicks into three-ways. It got us to thinking about how we do not have the power to talk hot chicks into three-ways. And we seriously doubt you do either. Here’s why:

Becasue you’re ugly. Let’s face it, you reside somewhere between Chubbytown and Uglyville. Dudes in those zip codes can’t afford to get greedy.

Because you’re not comfortable flexing at yourself in the mirror. And that Patrick Bateman guy implied you’d have to be willing to do that.

Because you don’t do drugs. The more drugs you do, the better your odds of a three-way…and nosebleeds…and waking up with one less kidney.

Because that chick you date kind of sucks. The time you got drunk and hinted at wanting to bang her one hot friend she was so appalled you spent a week convincing her it was all an elaborate relationship test. For the record, you still think her friend would be in.

Because your best line is, “What’s the deal with unisex bathrooms?”

Because you’re lazy. You prefer to just lie there and that seems like it would be frowned upon by three-way etiquette.

Because you have a fantasy football team.  

Because you hang out in the wrong places. Chicks who like to experiment visit art galleries and vacation in Europe, they don’t spend their time in bars with wing specials or playing Wii in your buddy’s basement.

Because you’re not old enough to justify paying for sex.

Because it takes a lot of work for you to get one chick to take her pants off. Something like six dates and three cases of wine. To double that number would be a statistical anomaly.

Because you buy your jeans at Target.

Because you’re certain everyone would walk away unsatisfied. You don’t operate well under pressure, and man, would there be a lot of pressure.

Because you don’t have a million dollars. If Office Space taught us anything it’s that you need a million bucks to get doubled up on.

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