The return of football and television marks the end of summer, and while guys like us have been anxiously anticipating these wonderful things there are many tremendous aspects of summer that will be missed. Just not by guys like us.

1) The Beach. Sure, the beach is OK, depending on who you’re with and the depth of the female talent. But sand and sunscreen and meatheads and drunk losers are nothing you’re going to miss, especially when you’ve got more friends and can visually molest more talent at your weekend tailgate. Same amount of drunk losers, but considerably less sand and sunscreen.

2) Time to Yourself. With less going on, summer is advertised as this supposedly great time to reflect and self evaluate. Needless to say, you won’t miss something you’re not sure how to do anyway. Last we checked self reflection is for chicks and drama majors.

3) Family Vacations. Contingent to how much your family dynamic sucks, family vacations aren’t the worst thing in the world. You just never find yourself in your car thinking, Man I wish all ten of us were still in that condo in Florida. It was like vacationing on the set of Miami Vice.

4) Summer Concerts. Here’s a secret only a few of us are in on: concerts kind of blow. Especially those summer festival deals. They’re crowded. You have to wait in line for beers. Songs never sound like they do on the album. And just about everyone who cares to be there is using music to fill the gaping hole in their social life. Be careful who you tell though.

5) Baseball Games. When there is absolutely nothing else to do we embrace a night at the ballpark, but come Labor Day you drop America’s pastime faster than you dropped that chick from high school the second your foot hit campus freshman year.

6) Summer Reading. Not long ago we overheard some boring person in some boring conversation mention how much they were going to miss summer reading, so we thought we’d toss it in. Can you imagine? Missing reading? Missing reading books? Ha. What a bunch of weirdos out there.

7) The Olympics. Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt served their purpose. They were the airplane bottle of vodka in your soda that got you through a shitty Friday afternoon. But now the weekend’s here and you can’t remember how you made it, just that you did.

See you in nine months summer. Try not to suck so much next time.

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