It came down to me reviewing one of two movies, and with the whole wife and kids thing soaking up more time than you’d think I take movie selection very seriously. (Sidenote: It’s kind of scary to sit back and think about the number of shitty movies I watch in relation to the little amount of free time I have…pot probably does have long-term side effects.)

Anyways, I had my choices whittled down to Son of Rambo and Redbelt. That means I was choosing between a movie about two young boys filming a movie OR a movie about this some black dude you always see in supporting roles (Chiwetel Ejiofor) doing karate. Watching little boys isn’t really my thing so I went with the fight flick.

Apparently I’m an idiot. I should have watched Wall-E and called it a night.

IMDb Synopsis (with Irony’s commentary):

“A fateful event leads to a job in the film business for top mixed-martial arts instructor Mike Terry. Though he refuses to participate in prize bouts, circumstances conspire to force him to consider entering such a competition.”

Sounds like a whole bunch of ass whooping, right? A bunch of punching and kicking people in the face, right? Well, what if I told you everyone pretty much decides to talk things out in the end. How would that make you feel?

OH YEAH, did I mention Tim Allen is in this movie? Yeah, Tim Allen. Apparently Ted Danson was booked solid. When Tim first appeared on screen I could have sworn I was seeing things. And I was. I was seeing washed up actors cashing paychecks.

THIS MOVIE SUCKS.

The fight style used throughout the flick is Ju-Jitsu. For those of you who aren’t familiar it’s pretty much Brazilian grappling. It’s the thinking man’s fighting style, one of finesse and science, patience and speed. It tends to end with the opponent either tapping out or falling asleep, much like the spectators.

Honestly, this movie might as well have starred Bobby Fisher. They took an absolutely great idea and pissed all over it. If this producer had gotten hold of Rambo he would have had Stallone filling up Rambo’s boat’s gas tank for 45 minutes, catching fish for 10 or so, and then arm wrestling the war lord for the hostages. The End.

Redbelt has three fight scenes. 3 FUCKING FIGHT SCENES!

You know what other movies have three fight scenes? Lifetime Originals. BONG!!!!!

Things I Thought While Watching Redbelt:

1) This movie sucks.

2) I wonder if she will get naked.

3) Nope.

4) My balls hurt.

5) That fart smells.

6) I need to call my wife down here to smell it it’s so bad.

And Here Comes the Ladies:

From my experience shitty fight movies are good for two things: over the top action scenes and hot chicks who just about always get naked. Well guess what. They fucked that up too.

There was one Brazilian hottie, but forget her. Not only did she not get naked, she didn’t even wear anything provocative. They might as well have cast my sister for her part.

Result of Refferal:

If you are willing to refer this movie it’s doubtful you have any friends to refer it to. There’s the rub.

Man, I am still bullshit I watched this.

Irony’s STAR Rating: -1 Stars

• Zero fighting.
• Terrible Plot.
• No naked hotties.

Fuck Tim Allen.

Previous Editions of Mindless Movies:

• Street Kings
• Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay
• The Bank Job
• Drillbit Taylor
• Jumper

Steve Irony is Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty cinema expert and premature family man. Enjoy his regular contributions and please take his opinions with a grain of salt.

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