We’ll be releasing NextRound Groups to the public over the next few weeks and there’s really no better way to demonstrate how Team Cool & Tough slacks off from work on a daily basis than to conduct the occasional mock draft in our group. Going forward we plan to post these on a bi-weekly basis. Anticipate obscure topics, heavy chauvinism, flawed reasoning, gay jokes, creative profanity, and just enough comedy to pass them off as readable.

Since just about every member of Team C&T (sans Proto and Steve Irony) has been completely consumed by college football this week our first draft subject was College Football QB Ass Getting Potential…

Guidelines:

Draft college QBs by who you’d most want to trade lives with in order to capitalize on ass getting potential. Note: We’re not drafting QBs by how much coed tail we think they currently crush, but by their potential to victimize the female student body if they got their priorities in order. Try to include: Name, college, brief reasoning, and type of skeez most susceptible.

Loosely followed draft order: 1) SMac, 2) MDub, 3) TBone, 4) Toast, 5) Big Slim, 6) Maske.

Note: Several members of Team C&T were traveling this week and couldn’t participate. Most notable omissions are Booth, JB, and Big Sexy.

1) SMac -Mark Sanchez, USC Trojans

Two words: USC. Quarterback. He’s basically a junior Leinart and he’s about to hit the prime of his coed hitting career. An above average season and he’ll be a Playboy mansion regular, and I’m pretty sure he’ll be turning down network actresses left and right. Add to the fact that he’s a solid pro prospect and this guy is a lock for Mayor of Poon City.

Most Susceptible: Anything that walks.

2) MDub - John Parker Wilson, Alabama

I’m making the homer call here. Not only does JPW carry on the tradition of having bangs that make every sorority girl in Bama cream herself (see: Brodie Croyle and Tyler Watts), he was also the starting quarterback at Hoover High and is the brother of the quarterback of Hoover from Two-a-Days. He could seriously use the “Do you know who I am?” line and cause panties to drop on Alabama ladies from the 8th grade all the way to the retirement home.

3) TBone - Riley Skinner, Wake Forest

You might think I’m jumping the gun with this one, and should wait until the 2nd or 3rd round, but here we go: Riley Skinner…Starting QB…Only a Junior…School Enrollment at Wake: (only) 6,500…Ratio of Female to Male - 2 to 1.

Alright, I might have lied about that last part. But seriously, Wake is like a glorified high school campus with nothing going for it except football and basketball. This guy is ranked the 25th best QB in the country and has quite possibly the coolest name in all of college football. Well, the coolest name outside of Colt McCoy, but let’s get serious about Colt. Did this kid just go through puberty and find out he got Halo 3 for his birthday?

The only thing about Wake that might not be going for Riley is that it’s a smart kid school and that’s not good for hot chicks. Don’t think that’s too much of a problem when Riley “filet and skin ‘em with my D” Skinner and his backup, Brett “Honcho” Hodges, tear up downtown Winston with the coeds from all the surrounding schools.

Commentary to pick:

• SMac - “Halo 3 for his birthday.”

• Big Slim - Wasn’t it Skinner who tried the out-of-the-box, “take a picture of my dong and post it on the Internet” move to lure girls in? That’s pretty fucking weird, and I think he may have hurt his chances with some of the ‘classy’ ladies on campus with that move. On the other hand, the pool of slutty chicks probably increased exponentially. I’m just going to hope that’s not the real reason TBone picked him.

• Maske - How did TBone not mention the dong photo? Does the photo make him like Riley more or less? Is part of his reasoning that chicks already know the hog he’s bringing to the table?

• TBone - DONG PHOTO…Maske - cut and paste for me. Didn’t remember he pulled a Pete Wentz on the coeds…definitely doesn’t hurt with the slooty girls up there. That’s who we’re shooting for right?

• SMac -T, how could you forget that he took the Dong Pic?? That is a showing of ultimate confidence…taking a full frontal of your dong AND showing your face. I just want to know if he was trying to F some girl…or if it was for a chick he already banged. I’m hoping he was trying to bang her and he felt a still frame of his johnson would put him over the top.

• Big Slim - SMac, did you just put a link to the dong picture?? I’m horrified at what might be on the other end of that link. I’m not clicking on it.

4) Toast - Rudy Carpenter, Arizona State

So much talent in Arizona. ASU is not known as an academic institution, which only increases hotness of chicks. He also has the benefits of two great role models in slaying hot coeds: Matt Leinart and scotch swilling Dennis Erickson. I’m pretty sure coach does not tolerate his QB not taking advantage of the ASU coed situation.

5) Big Slim - Matt Stafford, UGA

I hate to do it, but Matt Stafford, UGA. Let me start by saying I HATE everything Georgia, but this picture is pretty much the equivalent of throwing a football through the uprights from your knees at mid-field…

Again, I HATE UGA, but you have to respect the power of Athens. It’s the mecca of hot Southern cleat chasers. The talent pool for a guy like Stafford is limitless. UGA students are so delusional over their football team I’m sure half the girls view him as the second coming of Jesus, and would probably drop their pants just from the sheer awe of his presence.

6) Maske - Tim Tebow, Florida

Sure, great guy, loves god, believes in Santa, all that stuff. I’m sure not too many of us would be completely baffled to find out he’s never attempted to get past second base. But that’s the beauty of it.

If you could just “Being John Malkovich” that son of a bitch you would find yourself slaughtering talent from Miami to Anchorage. Sure, the chicks in Gainesville are nice, but Tebow is an icon. One of the few CFB celebrities, recognizable almost anywhere.

And since he’s such a golden boy you could also convince chicks you don’t do this sort of thing very often and they’d totally buy it. Every time. You could even pull that line off for three ways if the girls are dumb enough

It. Would. Be. On. Hell, a successful run at Erin Andrews would even been in the cards. Also, you could say you’re the dude in this picture…

7) MDub - Andrew Hatch, LSU

This is a dark horse pick but this guy is in a good situation. Not only is he the starting QB for the defending national champions, he is an average looking white dude who could easily be confused with Matt Flynn, the actual QB who won the national championship.

Plus the fact he transferred from Harvard is evidence that he is probably way smarter than any of these cajun women and could easily use his smarts to manipulate a girl in to dropping her panties. And to top it all, knowing that all girls at SEC schools are just looking for a guy to support them for the rest of their lives, don’t think he can’t play the “I went to Harvard and am going to be very wealthy card.”

Commentary to pick:

• SMac - JB plays that card all the time, minus the “I went to Harvard” part.

8 ) SMac - Sam Bradford, Oklahoma

Reasoning: Solid pro prospect, big time NCAA QB, and while OU may not in be in Austin, I can’t help but think they have some quality (and extremely dumb) a$$ walking around. Plus he probably bangs chix from Texas anyway. Oh yeah, and he looks to be of mixed race, which is SOOO in right now (see: Tiger, Obama). Pretty sure he’ll crush anything from skinny white models, to black rap vid chix.

9) MDub - Terrelle Pryor, Ohio State

Drafting again to get this thing moving. Plus work is slow.

The is peak time for Pryor to pull ass. Reasoning: He is the #1 recruited QB in the nation at a school with below average talent. And we all know what below average talent means: lots of girls with self esteem issues. As far as any of these girls know, he is the next great thing at Ohio State. His street cred has never been higher. He could strike while the iron is hot and not let his play on the field dictate anything to his potential.

10) SMac - Rusty Smith, Florida Atlantic

I like that Terrell Pryor pick. Looks like this is turning into the MDub/SMac draft. I’ll go again.

This is a little out of the box, but i’m going w/ Rusty Smith, FAU. Two things I look for in this draft: 1) Pro Prospect, 2) Going to school at a place that doesn’t suck (at partying, not football). FAU is a program on the rise. NFL scouts love this guy. And he goes to school in SoFla within ear shot of South Beach and the Model/Whore capital of the world. He’s got to be swimming in it, and it’s only going to be better once he makes the League.

11) MDub - Everyone other USC QB

My one criteria for this draft is maximizing your current situation to get as much ass as possible. With that in mind this pick is a tie between Aaron Corp, Mitch Mustain, and Garrett Green. There is just too much ass in LA for Mark Sanchez to slay on his own. Because of that, being a backup QB at USC is probably better than being a starter at any other school. Just like SMac stated with his # 1 pick, “Two Words: USC. Quarterback.” It’s not like chicks look at the depth chart.

12) Toast (for JB) - Tyler Donovan, Wisconsin

Since JB is on vacation he called and wanted me to put in his pick. #12 Tyler Donovan, Wisconsin. There’s just something about an abundance big girls who like to eat brats and unhealthy amounts of cheese that JB can’t turn down. JB told me that even if he was a QB he still would not like to put in a lot of effort to go for the hot chicks.

13) Toast (for Toast) - Drew Weatherford, Florida State

Even though he sucks and will probably not play the entire year, there is no doubting the amount of hotness in Tallahassee. I’m pretty sure that female applicants must attach a bikini photo to their high school transcript. If you’re not attractive, you don’t get in. Also, Tallahassee is very close to Panama City, and we all know how awesome Panama City is.

Commentary to pick:

• SMac - Toast, great job on #12 on JB’s behalf. I’m glad he phoned that one in. Also, there’s no chance girls at Wisky make you where condoms. They like it all natural…and no pullouts…morning after pill is rampant there.

14) Big Slim - Colt McCoy, Texas

Similar to the Rudy Carpenter pick, I’m taking Colt based completely off the total amount of ass in Austin. I have no idea what kind of guy Colt is, but as long as he has the same capacity as a functioning retard he should have no problem pulling tail in Austin.

Texas is far and away a football state, and clearly UT is at the epicenter of college football. Being the starting quarterback for the Longhorns is pretty much the perfect storm. Plus your name would be Colt McCoy, so you could probably come up with a pretty cool nickname for your junk.

Commentary to pick:

• MDub -That’s an interesting point. I bet Colt McCoy has an awesome nickname for his junk and refers to it in the third person.

• Big Slim - Also, most suseptable to Colt McCoy: These 2 girls…

• SMac - I should have gone to Texas. Geezus.

15) Maske - Matt Grothe, South Florida

The Bulls are kind of the hot new thing and with Grothe being the face of the program there’s TONS of Central Florida (where the school’s really located) ass for Grothe to capitalize on.

And with USF being such a commuter school seems like you could hit it and quit it with ease since you don’t have to deal with all that on campus culture.

16) SMac - Robert Marve, Miami

Ok, not trying to make this Fla heavy, but…

Reasons: As a redshirt Frosh, he’s got it all in front of him. Former FLA Mr. Football, 4yrs of elibility, which probably means he’s there for the U’s resergance, which probably means he’s fighting off poon w/ a whiffle ball bat. He’s kind of a wigger. But i’m pretty sure chix in Miami dig that. And he’s got a gun for an arm and could be the next Rex Grossman of the pros. Big upside poon potential and a steal at #14.

Commentary to pick:

• MDub - The problem with all of these Florida picks is outside of UF and FSU none of these teams have a huge fan base. UM doesn’t even pack the stadium. Ladies are too busy hanging on the beach and nailing Cuban immigrants. The fact the Marve is a wigger with a rap sheet will get him more ass than the fact he is a QB.

• SMac -Just cause the bitches don’t go to the games doesn’t mean they don’t know who the QB is. I’m talking about more upside w/ Marve as the draft was potential over his life span.

17) SMac - Chase Daniel, Missouri

Anybody take Chase Daniels yet? He looks like he should be driving a beer truck and he’s got to be hitting everything in Mizzou…for whatever that’s worth. Plus he’s a Texan, so i’m sure he goes home and pounds. Somebody might give him a shot in the league

18) MDub - Jimmy Clausen, Notre Dame

Lost track of which pick we are on but I am going with Jimmy Clausen. Here’s why: QB Notre Dame + Very ugly women + Catholic School (Catholic Girls like having lots and lots of kids) + this picture…

= easy, fat, ugly, ass, in a cold miserable place that likes guys that spike their hair and wear speedos.

Florida and California are wrapped up so I’m going for quantity.

Commentary to pick:

• SMac - If that pic is real, that is F-ing incredible.

[Editor's Note: Team Cool & Tough will be back in two weeks with another scintillating installment.]

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