As Palace’s trainers have often told me, sometimes you don’t run your best race. And in case you haven’t noticed, I have a habit of not living up to expectations. This trend may have something to do with my sporadic employment record. You’ll be happy to know that in the Nugget Challenge I maintained the status quo.

On the day of the Challenge it was determined I would eat all the nuggets at a bar around 8PM so everyone who wanted to see the carnage would have the opportunity to watch. I felt great all day. I ate a bagel for breakfast around 9:30AM and a quesadilla for lunch around 1PM. I had about 6 beers between 1PM and 8PM. I thought it was just the right mix of food and booze to get me really hungry.

The challenge began as planned. I mowed down the first 30 nuggets, no problem. People at the table were already muttering about how easy this would be for me. But then at exactly 32 nuggets I hit a wall.

I can’t really describe the feeling; it’s kind of like your entire body saying: Fuck Me.

I knew I was in a shitload of trouble. I wasn’t really full, more completely nauseous. I tried to pull myself back together by migrating under some air conditioning and putting an ice pack on the back of my neck but neither seemed to help. I returned to the table to start again but could only force down 4 more nuggets before eventually admitting defeat.

I knew I had let everyone down. It’s the sort of feeling that really chews at most people but I’m used to it so it didn’t really take a toll on me. However, nobody could let it go. I got solidly ridiculed, especially by the females in attendance.

And just when all hopes of something awesome happening seemed lost, the Cockroach showed up at the bar. The Cockroach — for those wondering — got his name in college because he would eat the nastiest of leftovers not finished by others in order to save a few bucks on dinner.

When the Cockroach arrived and found out the number to beat was only 36 he said, “I could do that right now, no problem.” The rest of Team Cool & Tough — not having spent any money — quickly negotiated a cash prize for the Cockroach to beat my number. He sat down like a seasoned veteran with a draft beer in one hand and casually plowed through 40 nuggets, not stopping for anything outside of limited oxygen and a few sips of beer. It was a truly dominate performance. I was in a mild stake of shock at his ease of consumption. I would take the Over on Cockroach taking down 60 nuggets any time, any place.

So after completely shitting the bed — figuratively and literally — on Friday night, I needed to find a way to somehow redeem myself on Saturday. My only hope to save any scrap of dignity would require me to finish the weekend 3-0 with my college football picks. Thank god USC, Wake, and Auburn showed some mercy for Boothy and covered their games with relative ease. It could have gotten ugly had they not.

Now that I’m finally past the nausea I’m really looking forward to not living up to my handicapping street cred later on this week, but in the interim it looks like Palace on a Lake will be running today at Philadelphia Park. The time won’t be official until later this morning. We’ll try to put up a short post once we have the official details.

Warmest regards,

The Guy Who Got Owned by Cockroach

Previous Editions of Happily Hungover:

• Palace Finishes in the Money While My Life Turns Into a Dumpster Fire
• It’s Tough to Go Out in Public
• Palace on a Lake, This Could Get Ugly
• Booth Gets a Job
• When Acting Cool & Tough Goes Bad

Happily Hungover is Booth’s column chronicling the life and times of NextRound’s Marketing Director, Legal Counsel, and Resident Couch Dweller.

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