The NFL season kicks off tonight. If you’re not excited, you’re a Scientologist.

Of all the NFL oddities one of our favorites is the goofy, seemingly never updated player stock photo. How in this day and age every NFL QB is relegated to one headshot to represent them in fantasy drafts, network graphics, and player bios is beyond us, but it makes for great comedy. While you’ve been debating whether to start Eli tonight we’ve been captioning a bunch of these QB pictures.

Feel free to use, rinse, and repeat…

Ben Roethlisberger

“Have you seen my baseball?”

Tony Romo

“Swear to god, last time I tell Pete Wentz he can bring over jello shots.”

Jay Cutler

“Barely legal is still legal. That’s the part a lot of people overlook.”

Carson Palmer

“Wanna see my best Adam Carolla impersonation?”

Peyton Manning

“When you’re teaching your kids that looks aren’t everything, have a copy of this photo handy.”

Derek Anderson

“Seriously, how fucking boss is this goatee?”

Matt Hasselbeck

“If Statham can pull off bald, so can you Hasselbeck. So can you.”

Donovan McNabb

“Seriously, where do you bitches hide the Cool Ranch Doritos?”

Drew Brees

“I know. I can’t believe it either. Have you seen how GD short I am?”

Eli Manning

“Ah, but there’s a monster truck rally this weekend…”

Philip Rivers

“So I’m fucking Norv’s wife in the ass, right? Then all a sudden…”

Matt Schaub

“Matt Schaub, pro athlete. Reporting to duty.”

David Garrard

“Excuse me while I whip this out.”

Jake Delhomme

“And then he yells ‘Getter done!‘ And the judge is speechless. Speechless! Ha ha! Getter Done!”

Jon Kitna

“So when do we get to start killing towelheads?”

Brody Croyle

“I can’t even begin to quantify the amount of ass these bangs have gotten me. It’s like having a carton of ruffees on your forehead.”

Jeff Garcia

“What we’ll do is start with some low lights, then work our way to those hideous eyebrows.”

Matt Ryan

“If he can change his last name to ‘Ocho Cinco’, I see no reason I can’t change mine to ‘Ice’.”

Chad Pennington

“Are my eyes too close together? They feel a little close together.”

Trent Edwards

“And then Knoxville lets them taze him again! It’s the craziest shit ever! You have to see it!”

J.T. O’Sullivan

“Looking’s for free. Touching the hair is what’s gonna cost ya.”

Kyle Orton

“I’ve passed for an Asian dude on more than one occasion.”

J.P. Losman

“If you’re not going to finish that granny smith, mind if I make a bowl out of it?”

Damon Huard

“Hi folks. I’m the manager. Just wanted to drop by and make sure your meal and service tonight exceeded your expectations.”

And Brady Quinn

“If you had to use one word to describe my Myoplex ad would it be ‘yoked’ or ’shredded’?”

Related Posts:

• Girls. Crushing. Cars.
• Hammer Game Backfire
• 13 Good Times Photos Of Dudes And Their Deloreans
• Toronto Is Chocked Full Of Black Guys

Make This Popular:

email facebook stumble twitter reddit digg advertisement

---