After a long hiatus Heroes returns to television tonight. Sure, the show reaches a certain degree of nerdiness due to the subject matter, but you have to hand it to the creators for managing to somewhat compensate with satisfactory levels of lady friend action.

One of the scarier propositions to consider when watching Heroes is what it would be like if chicks in real life had superpowers. Take the ladies on the show for example. If they actually had their character’s powers it would pretty much render them undatable.

Ali Larter

Ali has aged nicely since the whip cream bikini days. Good for her. Sure, the front court leaves a little to be desired for most of us, but she’s certainly one of the eye candy highlights on Heroes.

Superpower: Bi-Polar Disorder / Superhuman Strength

The Problem: As a general rule of thumb when messing with chicks who suffer from bi-polar disorder you should hit it and quit it. Attempt to dip into that well twice and — believe us — one way or another an ambulance is getting called. We can’t even imagine how bad things could get if the chick in question had superhuman strength. Would probably make Lorena Bobbitt look like Florence Nightingale.

Kristen Bell

This spunky little tart continues to grow on us despite the realization that we’d probably be weirded out by how freakishly tiny she is if we ever met her in person. Regardless, the elf is asking for it.

Superpower: Shooting Electricity. At People. Or something like that.

The Problem: There’s pretty much zero in it for you if a chick can shoot lightening bolts out of her hands. Sure, you might be able to talk her into a party trick here or there, but the probability of you getting your ass fried in the near future far outweighs the positives.

Hayden Panettiere

Ah, Hayden. Eternal jailbait. Listen, we know plenty of you are disappointed, but just because she’s 19 doesn’t mean you have to think of her as legal. Keep that in mind.

Superpower: Regenerative Powers.

The Problem: The ability to heal from just about any injury pretty much makes your plan to off her for her inheritance impossible to execute.

Dania Ramirez

This Dominican hottie has come a long way since banging AJ on The Sopranos. Hurray cleavage.

Superpower: When she gets upset her eyeballs turn black and she kills everyone within a one mile radius.

The Problem: We’d be toast midway through our second date “open relationship” speech.

Missy Peregrym

Unfortunately, the underrated and awesomely named Missy (read: puts out on first date) is no longer on Heroes. She has migrated to the CW’s Reaper if you’re interested in drafting her in your fantasy girlfriend league though.

Superpower: Shapeshifting.

The Problem: While the ability to morph into anything would be undeniably awesome in the beginning of a relationship, once you got tired of her it would only be a matter of time before that crazy bitch tested your fidelity with her powers. So you’re telling me that was you and not an Hawaiian Tropic model who bought me that drink and invited me back to try out her sex swing? Man, I DID NOT see that one coming.

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