Yesterday after Al Davis fired Lane Kiffin as head coach of the Oakland Raiders he held a surreal press conference that involved both venomous character assaults (”liar”, “disgrace”) and a ten minute intermission. Plenty of places are recapping the happenings and we suggest you visit Deadspin for the full details.

We’re going to do what we always do and concentrate on the awesomest part: the letter Al Davis had previously written to Lane Kiffin. The one he whipped out during the press conference and displayed on an overheard projector like he was a seventh grade science teacher and the press were his students.

Inside the Oakland Raiders has the full transcript of the letter. Here are our favorite excerpts…

On how Lane has spent his last few months:

“Over the past months, you have made a number of public statements that were highly critical of, and designed to embarrass and discredit this organization, its players and its coaches. I left you alone during training camp in hopes that you would cease your immature and destructive campaign.”

Apparently the time alone was not what Lane needed to learn to be less immature and destructive.

On Lane’s inability to get over the Jamarcus Russell pick:

“I do realize that you did not want to draft JaMarcus Russell. He is a great player. Get over it and coach this team on the field, that is what you were hired to do. We can win with this team!”

How shitty of a coach was Lane to not realize JaMarcus Russell is a great player?

On why Lane’s Cover 2 Defense sucks dong:

“…during the game Monday night Rob played your Cover 2 defense and we got killed on an approximately 50-yard touchdown pass…”

Cover 2 is widely regarded as the gayest defense.

On Lane needing to get over wanting his daddy around:

“I know that you wanted to bring your father in to run the defense and that Monte told me he wanted to come here even though he is under contract to Tampa. However, I did not want to tamper with another team. In any event that was over seven months ago. Do not also run from the defense and your responsibilities.”

Bitching about not having your daddy around for seven months should get anyone canned.

On what would happen if Lane continued to suck:

“This letter constitutes notice that if you further violate any term of your contract, in any manner whatsoever, you will be terminated for cause. I trust that this will not occur.”

To bad it did occur.

On what exact business organization thinks Lane is an imbecile:

“A.D. Football, Inc.”

We also heard that Al Davis stabbed a dude after the press conference just to let the guy know what he was capable of. Is there any way to clone Davis, bring back the XFL, and designate the clones as the owners of all the teams?

We’re going to put in a call to Vince McMahon right now.

[Sources: Yahoo Sports, Deadspin, Inside the Oakland Raiders]

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