The recent rumors of a Britney sex tape have sparked an internal debate between members of Team Cool & Tough over when it’s our obligation as dudes to watch celebrity sex tapes. We’re all in agreement that we’d punch an old lady to get our hands on a video of Britney circa 2001, but the prospect of a bald, tubby Britney bumping uglies with some creepy foreign dude is something different altogether.

In the end, we of course came to the conclusion that if the tape miraculously appeared on one of our coffee tables, it is in fact our duty to watch. The key was determining which of the three categories the Britney tape would fall into:

Category 1: The Actively Pursue Category

The blanket category for any celebrity sex tape where the chick is hot and nothing too weird happens. Examples include:

• Anything from the 90’s featuring Pam Anderson.
• The one with Keeley Hazell.
• And the one with that chick from Survivor.

Not only would you watch, you’d actively pursue one of these, maybe even run the risk of parking your car in front of an adult video store.

Category 2: The It’s Your Duty If It’s There Category

This is where things start getting dicey. The subject matter may not be appealing, but as a dude you have a certain obligation to your own curiosity. This is where we’d categorize the supposed Britney tape.

Big Slim put it best: “As men, it’s our duty to critique porn like it was a Picasso, or a Monet, or that painting of dogs playing poker. If the Britney tape appeared on my coffee table, yes, I would watch it. And I would analyze it like I was a member of the jury at Sundance. I’m sure some parts would be borderline nauseating, watching a no-make up wearing, portly, drugged up, sweaty Britney getting pounded by some foreign dude, but I would battle through it. ”

Category 3: The It Might As Well Be Your Parents Category

In this final category things start getting all Two Girls, One Cup. You’re looking to get judged for willingly watching anything this disgusting. Examples include:

• The Mini-Me sex tape.
• The Tonya Harding / Jeff Gillooly video.
• And the one of Screech giving some hooker the Dirty Sanchez.

If you’re into this sort of thing, don’t go advertising it. It’s just too risky.

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