With the Vice Presidential debate tonight there’s no better time than now to begin our foray into hard-hitting political commentary. After much consideration we decided that the only suitable place to begin is with the 1984 Miss Alaska swimsuit competition…

Man, do we have a lot of unanswered questions after watching that. Namely:

• When do you think Todd Palin started pushing for Sarah to get a pair of fakies? ‘96? ‘97? He must still be so bummed that didn’t work out.

• Where the hell did they hold the Miss Alaska pageant, the Cotton Club? That stage and band are just asking for someone to break out a jive.

• When did Al Gore invent the two-piece? Must have been post 1984. So much greener than the one-piece.

• Where’s Mario Lopez? Are these sorts of pageants even allowed to take place without him in attendance?

• Was some dude’s job pinning ribbons on the thighs of all the contestants? If so, that seems like a pretty sweet gig.

• Haven’t we waited long enough for 80’s hair to make a comeback? We were to understand fashion trends were cyclical. Life would be A LOT easier for us if we didn’t have to scavenger for porn from 1986.

• Is being recognized by Who’s Who Magazine really a pageant-worthy accomplishment? Doesn’t that just mean your mom made the check out for the right amount?

• And when is Larry Flynt’s take on Palin coming out again? It sounds very intriguing. Kind of like a documentary, except with anal.

• Best. Softball. Jersey. Ever.
• If Men’s Magazines Were Honest
• If The CW Remade Seinfeld

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