With all this bailout talk we’re beginning to question why bailout plans are limited to just financial institutions. For example, there are at least four NFL franchises hopeless enough to warrant NFL league office — and maybe even federal government — involvement. If left to their own devices these four teams are guaranteed to continue to deliver negative returns to fans and fantasy owners.

Cincinnati Bengals

The Situation: They’re 0-4. They lost to Browns. Their quarterback is hurt. They’ve signed role models Chris Henry AND Cedric Benson. And they don’t even bother to field a defense for most games. To make matters worse they continue to refuse to spend a nickel on player scouting, which has created a vicious cycle of drafting reprobates and malcontents who are more likely than not to do jail time while on the Bengal roster.

The Bailout Solution: Oust ownership in either a public (general uprising) or private (contract kill) manner. Give new management five additional picks for the ‘09 draft while purchasing and/or insuring the team’s wasted picks from the last five drafts. Assist in moving all wide receivers not named T.J. off the franchise’s balance sheet by selling them for cents on the dollar to NFL Europa.

Oakland Raiders

The Situation: They’re 1-3. They just fired their head coach — who may have been the only person in a position of management within the organization not suffering from mental illness of some sort — in the most public of fashions. Their owner is deranged and clearly living off Tru Blood. And a twinkle toed Warren Sapp is currently making the media rounds informing whoever will listen how bullshit he is no one ever told him how much it sucks to be a Raider.

The Bailout Solution: Get Al Davis and Castro in the same place at the same time for operation Bay of Pigs 2: This Time We Brought Wooden Stakes. From there put together an AIG-esque package involving NFL league office control of the team until suitable new ownership is in place. Sell potential suitors on the fact that they’ll splooge their pants when they see JaMarcus Russell hose the ball sixty yards from his knees.

Detroit Lions

The Situation: They’re o-3. It took them seven years to fire the worst GM in NFL history. Their quarterback thinks he’s a part time evangelist. Calvin Johnson can’t get on the field because their defense never gets off. They have the league’s worst winning percentage since 2002 (less than .300). And they’re in Detroit.

The Bailout Solution: We’re actually under the impression that the Lions are already working under a bailout package. Step 1: Fire that goon with the mustache. We’ll see how it works out from here. Detroit could set the precedent for NFL involvement in franchises on the brink of becoming unsalvageable.

St. Louis Rams

The Situation: They’re 0-4. They’ve looked like a mediocre Big East team playing in the NFL every game this season. They fired their coach after Week 4 as opposed to directly after it became evident to every player in the locker room he was a no-coaching douchebag. Their offensive line couldn’t block the school for the deaf and the blind. And they plan to make a serious run at 0-16.

The Bailout Solution: A league mandated supplemental draft for offensive linemen. Rams only. It would kind of be like an expansion draft, just without the expansion team.

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