We made a conscious decision to drop any lingering Titanic-related misgivings we had towards Leo DiCaprio after seeing The Departed. That flick is just too bad ass not to give the guy a pass. But with CIA thriller Body of Lies opening this weekend, we can’t help but draw attention to the disturbing trend of DiCaprio being cast in roles that would lead us to believe he can kick our ass.

The issue being, of course, the fact that we’re certain he can’t kick our ass. And we don’t care for Hollywood continuing to insinuate he can. Take some of his most recent work for example…

Gangs of New York

Improbable Tough Guy Premise: Leo — two years removed from crying with dolphins in The Beach — as a knife wielding, revenge-seeking tough guy who leads street gangs into battle.

What Made Us Feel Better: Daniel Day-Lewis is far cooler and tougher. 19th century put-up-your-dukes fighting style. Inability to recognize that Cameron Diaz is starting to look like a dude.

Blood Diamond

Improbable Tough Guy Premise: Leo as an ex-special ops diamond smuggler who spends his spare time trading bullets with African warlords and running game at Jennifer Connelly.

What Made Us Feel Better: The South African accent. Obsession with jewelry. Starring opposite the black dude from Gladiator who would clearly break Leo in two in reality.

The Departed

Improbable Tough Guy Premise: Leo as a streetwise undercover mob informant who smacks around assorted goons while banging his psychiatrist on the side.

What Made Us Feel Better: Opens just about every fight with a respectable cheap shot to gain advantage. Nicholson is cool and tough enough to lead you to believe everyone around him is cooler and tougher than they really are.

Body of Lies

Improbable Tough Guy Premise: Leo as a weirdly goateed undercover CIA operative who infiltrates terrorist cells with the help of a chubby, four-eyed Russell Crowe.

What Makes Us Feel Better: Since we haven’t seen this flick, we can only assume you are forced to knowingly suspend reality in order to buy into a world where DiCaprio is the on site muscle and Russell Crowe is the behind-the-scenes puppet master. We’re pretty sure Crowe smacked Leo around in between takes just to restore order to the universe.

In conclusion, we aren’t saying DiCaprio doesn’t make a good movie; he makes a fine movie. We’re just saying never for one second think the King of the World could kick your ass. Or, more importantly, our asses.

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