Wanted: something to make my boner go away. This movie has everything…ALMOST.

IMDb Synopsis (with Irony’s commentary):

“A frustrated office worker learns that he is the son of a professional assassin, and that he shares his father’s superhuman killing abilities.”

And in case you’re wondering, “superhuman killing abilities” = “bending” bullets. Yeah, that’s right.

Four Questions About the Premise:

1) Bending bullets doesn’t look all that tough. How hasn’t some redneck in Alabama with a makeshift shooting range in his backyard figured this out?

2) Who was the first person who figured out they could bend a bullet? Guns haven’t exactly been around for too long. Were people bending arrows or rocks from sling shots back in the day? Oh shit. David and Goliath just made sense.

3) How did all these assassins find each other? Did they just gravitate towards other people who could bend projectiles and jump 900 feet?

4) Is Jimmy McAvoy the queerest looking assassin ever?

Irony’s Take:

Wanted is on par with the Matrix, however, the big dividing line between the two is the “come to Jesus” sit down between Morpheus and NEO. Wanted just has too many unexplained details. It’s in desperate need of a sit down scene to lay the backstory out.

Pleasant surprises include how much I didn’t hate Jimmy McAvoy and how excited I am about the possibilites of a sequel (if Chronicles of Riddick can get made then a Wanted sequel is not out the picture). There are some serious bad ass action scenes that make this flick a required watcher. By the way, Common is kind of awesome. I was floored.

And Here Come the Ladies:

In the eye candy department Wanted delivers some average blonde and Angelina  Jolie. The blonde is actually pretty hot but put any chick up against ANGELINA and they look like a random slump buster not worth of a courtesy heads up on the “pull out”.

Anyways, The Lady Jolie is smoking hot and a complete and utter bad ass. I realize she is nuttier than squirrel shit but that’s what makes her so awesome. Crazy chicks are just way hotter than rational thinking girls. It’s physics or something. Sure, they’ll key your car and tell your mom you do drugs and short sheet your bed and other crazy girl shit. BUT, they are amazing in the sack, which far out weighs the former.

Fuck it. I’d leave Jennifer Anniston too.

A.D.D. Thoughts That Flooded My Mind During Wanted:

• God, Hackers is an underrated movie.

• Angelina lezzing it up in Gia was pretty much the best thing that happened to me in 1998.

• What is that dude from Hackers up to?

• How the fuck did he go from Trainspotting to Eli Stone? What’s next? Keith Richards switching to easy listening?

• Billy Bob is a weirdo, yet he bags awesome movie roles and top notch tail.

• I would trade 15 years of my life for 5 of his.

• I hate I wore out the Gia DVD. Those things should really come with a label.

• I bet I can track down selected “scenes” online. The internet is the best.

Irony’s STAR Rating: 4 Stars

I am giving this movie a 4 even though it’s really a 3.5.

The action + Angelina’s hotness + the sequel potential = a pity 1/2 point. Don’t rearrange your day to watch this movie but make it happen in the near future.

Final Note from Steve: Morgan Freeman further proves he’s the baddest mutha fucka eva with his lines in this movie.

Previous Editions of Mindless Movies:

• Redbelt
• Street Kings
• Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay
• The Bank Job
• Drillbit Taylor

Steve Irony is Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty cinema expert and premature family man. Enjoy his regular contributions and please take his opinions with a grain of salt.

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