4 Types Of Chicks Who Can Ruin Your Tailgate

October 16th, 2008 by NextRound in Lady Friends, Sports

Chicks are the ultimate necessary evil, especially at the tailgate…

The One Who Wants Everyone to Know She Doesn’t Want to Be There

Typically someone’s wet blanket wife or girlfriend. She sports a permanent “I hate life” scowl in a selfish attempt to ruin everyone else’s fun. Go to moves include:

Talking exclusively about either a) how much her feet hurt or b) how hot/cold the weather is.
Beverage of choice: Caffeine Free Diet Coke.
Judgmental sighs after every newly cracked open beer.
Never uncrossing her arms.
Referencing her maturity level.
Repeatedly asking how much longer she has to stay. She’s not feeling well.

Ruinage Factor: 8 out of 10. Not only do you end up hating her, you end up hating your buddy for bringing her.

The One Who Thinks She Can Drink With the Guys

This version comes in all shapes and size, including girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, wives, moms, sisters, aunts, homeless chicks, etc. She starts her morning off double-fisting mimosas while working in jello shots. Go to moves include:

Excessive hugging.
Attempting to lead the fight song at inappropriate times.
Puking before the noon games kickoff.
Ratting you out for that time you tried to make out with her.
Falling down and not realizing she’s the only one laughing.
Referring to any girl hotter than her as a skank.
Starting fights with opposing fans.

Ruinage Factor: 6 out of 10. She’s good for a few laughs but always ends up requiring a babysitter.

The One Who Think She Knows Football

Usually an oblivious wife, girlfriend, or relative who doesn’t know her role. She interrupts knowledgeable conversations with points so asinine she makes your mom look like Mel Kiper. Go to moves include:

Mispronunciations of players’ names.
Suggesting prominent NFL coaches for any and all coaching vacancies.
Comparing all players to Tebow.
Repeating something she heard Lou Holtz say.
Chastising you for “being mean”.
Preventing your friends from candidly discussing how much ass your starting QB pulls.

Ruinage Factor: 7 out of 10. You work all week in anticipation of talking football at the tailgate but instead you spend half your time explaining why your offense can’t just pass every play.

The One Who Turns Into a Drama Queen

If she’s a regular, you see it coming. If she’s a newbie, she usually waits until midday to reveal herself. After a couple of drinks she gets upset people aren’t paying attention to her so she makes up drama to discuss with any and everyone. Go to moves include:

Telling everyone another chick at the tailgate hates her.
Telling everyone a dude in the bathroom line grabbed her ass.
Telling everyone she’s coming down with a serious illness.
Claiming a harmless joke was either racist or sexist or directed at her.
Making up reasons to get in fights with her husband/boyfriend just so he can’t have fun with his friends.

Ruinage Factor: 9 out of 10. She’s versatile and she’s consistent. If she shows up every weekend, you’re guaranteed mindnumbing drama every single weekend.

But hey, if chicks didn’t show up to tailgates, we wouldn’t have pictures like this, would we?