The more we think about Alex Rodriguez’s questionable taste in older women, the more we find ourselves trying to rationalize the situation. Sure, he’s a perennial all-star who makes over twenty million a year. Sure, we wouldn’t necessarily make the same, um, relationship choices if we were in his shoes and the world was our poon oyster. But hey, maybe the guy just really has a thing for celebrity cougars. If so, we can at least respect one man’s dedication to the art of cougar hunting.

That is, until you start considering the talent pool of celebrities at least ten years older than A-Rod that he’s not making a run at. Cougars like…

Nicollette Sheridan. How much competition could that no talent ass clown Michael Bolton seriously be?

Christie Brinkley. Her last husband spent his free time banging teenage girls, so she is probably willing to to turn a blind eye to the occasional rendezvous with a transvestite stripper.

Heather Locklear. She’s divorced, a little desperate, and busy getting bogus DUIs. Has there ever been a better time to take a shot?

Marisa Tomei. Does anyone else besides us and Costanza think Marisa Tomei is totally underrated?

Shania Twain. Seems to us if someone really wanted to go the “recently divorced musician” route in their cougar hunting, Shania would get first run. That’s just us though.

Sheryl Crowe. Or maybe Sheryl Crowe if you’re looking to go more in the “overly fit musician” direction.

Demi Moore. Any reigning AL MVP who isn’t capable of smacking around Ashton Kutcher and taking his lady should automatically be sent down to AAA.

Vanessa Williams. Talk about aging nicely. And we already know she has a thing for cheesy athletes.

But why settle when your favorite song is “Lucky Star” and you can have this waiting for you at home?

Wow. What’s the word you use to describe something that keeps you from getting an erection for at least four hours? Anti-Cialis?

We’d like to take a moment to address the term “cougar”. If for any second we implied that Madonna is a cougar, we apologize. You don’t deserve that sort of disrespect. Gross.

A-Rod, get help pal.

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