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Punch In The Face Friday: How We Dislike Larry Johnson, Let Us Count The Ways

October 24th, 2008 by NextRound

1) He’s Unoriginal.

Larry Johnson has now been accused of assault four times in five years. All involving women. Because — as everyone knows — pushing around women is the ultimate testament to manliness.

We are in no way advocate breaking the law, but if you’re going to repeatedly do so at least be original. Keep people guessing. Hold up a liquor store, traffic cocaine, pit domestic animals against one another, something different. Sean Connery told us smacking bitches around gets old after a while.

2) He Has Bodyguards.

Larry Johnson goes to work in a helmet and lives in Kansas City — where the biggest threat to anyone is the occasional barbecue stain — yet the dude is under the impression he’s so famous he needs bodyguards.

We have to admit, they do come in handy when you want to spit your drink on a chick without having to worry about her nails causing you any harm.

3) He’s Fantasy Football Poison.

Larry Johnson’s ‘05 and ‘06 seasons were the worst things to happen to fantasy football owners since Tommy Maddox. Based on two years of running behind Willie Roaf, Johnson has already ruined some poor schmuck in your league’s season. It’s even worse if that poor schmuck traded for him (Proto…).

4) He Can’t Take a Joke.

Remember that time Dick Vermeil called him a baby and then Larry went and acted like a baby about being called a baby? What a puss.

5) His Touchdown Celebration Is Lame.

Seriously, LJ, the Diamond Cutter? Every. Single. Time? It’s about as original as your treatment of ladies.

6) He’ll Kill Your Boyfriend.

Or at least threaten to. The irony is your boyfriend probably has him on his fantasy roster.

7) He’s Conveniently Repentant. 

We know, we know, he’s going to get help and become a better person. Unfortunately, it’s too little too late for us. We probably would have let him slide after the fourth assault, but five is just one too many. We’re kind of judgmental like that.

8) He Let Jay-Z Down.

Jay-Z and LJ were boys. Jay-Z even let Larry in on his clothing line. It’s one thing to let us down, but it’s another altogether to let Jay-Z down. He deserves better.

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