The NBA season tipped off yesterday, and Charles Barkley got the ball rolling in typical Barkley fashion (i.e. being awesome) with a killer joke about Isiah Thomas’s alleged suicide attempt. Someone once told us that suicide jokes are “insensitive”, but we’re of the opinion that if more people could take a joke there would be less suicides. And we’re pretty sure Charles is on the same page.

The key thing to take away from all this is that the NBA — and more importantly Barkley — are back. And to celebrate we’ve scoured the world wide web for the exact wording of our all-time favorite Barkley quotes. They’re a nice reminder you can always be a little more awesome. Enjoy.

• On Nate Robinson at the Dunk Contest: “Any time a little midget does something like this, you gotta give him a 10.”

• “I’d never buy my girl a watch…she’s already got a clock over the stove.”

• “My goals are to play the piano and get really, really, really fat.”

• “I can be bought. If they paid me enough, I’d work for the Klan.”

• “I love Sam Cassell, he’s a great guy…but he does look like E.T.”

• “You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I’m the best-looking guy in the world and I might be right.”

• “They say it about brothers, but I can guarantee everybody in Finland look alike.”

• “They don’t let many black people in the governor’s mansion in Alabama…unless they’re cleaning.”

• “We are in the business of kicking butt and business is very, very good.”

• “I know why his name is DMX. Because his real name is Earl. Imagine if his name was Earl the rapper.”

• “…Bavetta and Moses parted the Red Sea together.”

• “If you go out with a girl and they say she has a great personality, she’s ugly. If they tell you a guy works hard, he can’t play a lick. Same thing.”

• “You’re the boss, Ernie. The white guy’s always the boss.”

• On Oliver Miller’s weight gain: “You can’t even jump high enough to touch the rim, unless they put a Big Mac on it.”

• “All I know is, as long as I led the Southeastern Conference in scoring, my grades would be fine.”

• “I ain’t never seen cranberry juice without vodka in it.”

• “These are my new shoes. They’re good shoes. They won’t make you rich like me, they won’t make you rebound like me, they definitely won’t make you handsome like me. They’ll only make you have shoes like me. That’s it.”

• “That’s wronger than ketchup on pancakes.”

• “People always ask me if I had any regrets in my career, remember when I threw that guy out the window, I regret I was on the first floor.”

• “And that’s way I don’t eat shrimp.”

[Sources: FanHouse, BlackSportsOnline, Charles Barkley Quotes, WikiQuote]

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