Mildly insane actor Joaquin Phoenix announced his retirement from acting this week. The reason? He wants to concentrate on his “music”, of course. From our experience that just about always translates to wanting to concentrate on doing drugs, but either way we’re pretty sure Joaquin will be reconsidering his bankable acting career sooner rather than later. Concentrating on your music is all well and good until you run out of money to buy drugs.

If history has taught us anything it’s that actors make shitty musicians. We highly recommend Joaquin spend the weekend listening to the following albums before he fires his agent.

“The Return of Bruno” by Bruce Willis. If it wasn’t for this album Ashton Kutcher would have exactly zero comebacks for when Bruce introduces him as Demi’s girlfriend. Also, if it wasn’t for this album Bruce’s buddies wouldn’t refer to a turd that refuses to flush as a “Return of Bruno”.

“Unpredictable” by Jamie Foxx. The clinical term for what Joaquin Phoenix is currently going through is Jamie Foxx Syndrome. It’s when an actor deludes himself into believing he is a talented musician because he played a talented musician in a movie. There’s a reason Gary Busey has been insane ever since The Buddy Holly Story.

“Happy Ending” by Dogstar. Yep, that’s our boy Neo to the left. When contacted Keanu’s sole comment was, “I recommend a band name that can’t be so easily confused with animal feces…Whoa.”

“Party All the Time” by Eddie Murphy. Is it a coincidence that Eddie became less funny and more douchey the further he pursued his music career? We think not. We’d be lying though if we didn’t admit that the “Party All the Time” single has some serious so-bad-it’s-good qualities.

“Anywhere I Lay My Head” by Scarlett Johansson. Let these reviews be a lesson to anyone who believes awesome boobs equate to awesome music. There’s simply no correlation.

“The Bacon Brothers Live” by Kevin and Steve Bacon. From what we hear the only remaining copies of this live album from the No Food Jokes Tour are located in Guantanamo. Kind of weird.

“Shine Through It” by Terrence Howard. We’ve never heard any of Terrence Howard’s music, but we’re going to safely assume that this album is directly responsible for him losing his part in Iron Man 2.

“Heart Beat” by Don Johnson. The only problem with listening to a Don Johnson album is that 4 out of 10 people who do so kill themselves. The discs have a Surgeon General’s warning on them and everything. True story.

We’re not sure if it’s ego, delusion, never hearing the word “no”, or simply a combination of the three, but actors love to think their creative talents translate through all mediums, which — shockingly — isn’t the case, especially when they’re not talented actors to begin with. Luckily for us these album covers make their self indulgence more than worth it.

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